Confessions of a Queen Bee

Chapter 31

"Ivy."

"Ivy."

"Ivy."

Strong arms shake me out of my dream and I scramble to get away from them. Consequently, plummeting to my bedroom floor in the process.

"Jesus Christ." Jackson says as he climbs quickly out of bed to meet me on the ground.

That fucking dream again, almost every night. I hate this so much. I grip my head between my hands and tuck myself down so my head is between my knees. I need to just have a second. Ground myself.

Taking a few deep breaths, I ignore the way Jackson is sat next to me staring wide eyed. When I fell back asleep I really didn't think about dreaming, I felt safe.

I forgot I'm not exactly safe in my dreams.

Images of Layton's face cross over my eyes and I flinch away from myself. The current reality getting a little distorted in my current state. I try to breath the flashbacks away. I'm not even getting flashbacks to that Friday, it's my own brain torturing me. Making me remember my dreams. Of him finding me again or him being in my room or him coming for me.

I don't think I will ever get over this.

"Ives... talk to me."

"Jackson." I try and hold myself together but as I lift my head to meet his pained eyes I can't help but look back down and cry into my knees.

He needs to leave, he's not different, I was wrong, I'm not safe, he shouldn't be here.

"What do you need?" He says and lays his hand on my back. And please don't hate me for this but I clambered away from him. Putting at least a meter or two between us. His hand wasn't comforting, not right now. His hand felt as if it was Layton's. The feel of his large hand against my back brought back all the memories of the way Layton's hands took what he wanted from me.

He goes to move closer to me, his face pained with an intense need to comfort. But as he moves forward I scramble backwards. He can't come close to me.

"What the fuck happened to you?" His voice pulls me out of my cluster of memories and I try to ground myself in the room. I try to focus on his face but for some reason it scares me.

As much as he comforts me, as much as he brings me peace, my brain is ill, it doesn't understand right now the difference between danger and safety.

Putting my head back between my knees, I know I've freaked him out. His words replay on a loop in my mind 'what the fuck happened to you?' 'what the fuck happened to you' 'what the fuck happened to you' 'what the fuck happened to me'

What the fuck had happened to me. This is not me. I am not weak. I am not scared of Jackson.

I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and I cringe at how much of a state I am in. These dreams are becoming so vivid and waking up to a male's face triggered me. I get that, I just hate that that's the case.

Jackson doesn't say anything but just watches me. His eyes bore into my head and I just focus on this time to get my breathing under control.

I can do this. It's fine. We are fine.

I am safe. Right?

I muster up the courage to look at Jackson and he looks devastated.

I must have screamed or something, I must have woken him up.

"I touched you." He says and I can feel my face convey how confused I am.

"I woke up and you were away from me so I just pulled you back towards me and you just started sobbing. You were thrashing around in your sleep. You were terrified. You are terrified."