Confessions of a Queen Bee

14

"So, Ivy, I have some worksheets for you that I am supposed to supply my students experiencing anxiety."

I scrunch my nose up at the worksheet idea.

"Yeah, I thought so." She laughs gently at my reaction. And just decides to pass the papers to me so I can put them in my bag. We both know I probably won't look at them again.

"How has everything been this week?"

It's a Thursday, so I have almost made it to the end of two weeks back at school. It's almost been exactly a month since Layton did what he did.

"Err, it's been ok." I offer.

"Ok..." She says not believing me. "How many anxiety attacks have you had this week?"

She knows because most of the time I come to her.

"Only about five?" Five is not too bad, is it? That's less than one a day per week. I mean, I understand it's only Thursday but-

"So how were you feeling on the days you didn't have a panic attack?"

"Um, pretty stressed." I shrug.

She frowns at me, I'm always like this at the start of our sessions. I feel awkward and guarded. As if I should be hiding everything that I'm feeling.

"What sort of things are you worried about?"

"Honestly, at the moment it's the idea of the police actually catching Layton." I was upset the other day and I somehow just ended up explaining the whole night to Mrs Granger. Not the graphic parts, I haven't talked about that, or even let myself think about them really since the initial official police interview. But I just told her everyone that was there and what happened leading up to it. So, she knows.

"Why does that scare you?"

"Because then everyone will know about it. I don't want them to know. Plus, I don't want them to know and then think I'm lying. I'm certain the detectives believe me like there's all the evidence. But everyone's been thinking I just hooked up with him, and I haven't put anyone straight about that so obviously I'm just going to get grief of everyone."

"Ivy if people found out that wouldn't be the end of the world. The school and I would make sure you were protected and able to get through it. And we would talk to all the boys individually on the basis of their own wellbeing and make sure they knew any sort of harassment towards you would end in disciplinary action."

"Oh." That doesn't sound too bad. But I still don't want them to know. At the moment, I can hear everyone talking about how I haven't been as bad as usual lately. They think my mum took me on a sort of yoga retreat or something and now I'm all zen. But that is ten times better than everyone knowing what happened to me.

"And also, I am not too sure on the courts, but I think there will be restrictions placed on the boy's family in regards to discussing the case outside of court. Therefore, Luca wouldn't be allowed to tell anyone anyway."

"I doubt that they would follow that though. It's not as if Layton had been taught about boundaries or consent."

"Do you blame his parents then?"

"No. I guess not. It's just why would someone do that to another person you know? Did he just not know?"

"Ivy do not find excuses for his actions. The blame lies on him. There may be a cause of his action but that will be nothing to do with you. You don't have to worry about that."

I just shrug at her. It's kinda all I worry about. The big why.

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Erm, I'm sleeping a lot after school and then struggling to sleep at night. But I don't mind it too much. It's pretty peaceful at night."