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Seventy-Five: I hate myself!

Isabella's POV

I tried not to cry while driving to campus, I wouldn't cry! I already looked like a mess and I really could miss the looks of judgmental peers while trying to focus on class. Crying, that's all I could think about. That, and how disconnected of the world I suddenly felt as I heard Mia and Lukas fighting in the kitchen. The things she said about me, hit me hard. Everything added up to making me feel cold and unworthy of love, even Lukas's love. I couldn't wrap my head around what he saw in me. Why he loved me, everything felt like a joke, me being the punchline or in this case the punching bag. I was used to it, literally.

What does he see in me, I'm nothing! Why does anyone want to be friends with me, all I do is cause hurt. I just want to disappear, crawl under a rock and stop to exist. Looking at myself in the rear mirror wasn't even helping as I felt sick at the sight of me. I'm just disgusting! Self-hate wasn't really something I fell back to often, not even when I knew my parents truly hated me, but now I felt like I hit a new low, hating myself for everything I did and also everything I didn't do. I fucking hate myself! I yelled, while slapping my hands against the wheel.

After wiping away the residue of tears on my cheeks I put on a fake smile and stepped out of the car, keeping my head low. I really didn't want to be seen, I wanted nobody to notice me, just like the first day I walked around on campus. So, yes, after all the hurt I was back to square one.

Class was a freaking disaster as history class for one reminded me of Drew and the professor really didn't manage to break through my thoughts. This day really couldn't get any worse, although I didn't want to say it out loud, cause in my case my life always seemed to get worse when I thought it couldn't. Instead of paying attention to industrial revolution my mind found itself twisted in a web of lies and hurt, thinking if things could have gone differently if I didn't keep the secret from Mia, if I hadn't listened to Lukas. Every possible scenario spun trough my brains. if I had told Mia, she still would have gotten mad, or maybe just not have believed me, and Lukas would have left me for sure, and that was something I couldn't handle.

Every scenario turned out the same or even worse... that's when I realized that blaming Lukas was pointless, especially when he was all I had left. When I heard them this morning in the kitchen, I shut down completely. I felt backed into a corner with nowhere to go. Lukas tried, he tried so hard and I just couldn't see it, I wouldn't. I know I shouldn't have shut him out but at that moment I just wanted to be alone, and I still did. Like I said, disappearing into a void, where I couldn't hurt anyone seemed like an attractive option.

After class, I went straight back to my apartment and as soon as I shut the door behind me I flipped the switch, unable to keep lying to myself for another minute. The thick wall I pulled up around myself crumbled down in a blink of an eye, crushing stone like it was nothing. While the tears build up, I threw my bag onto the floor with a thud, my books hating me for that, but at this point everyone hated me so I could care less about the damn books.

I fell into my soft matrass face first, screaming into my pillow and letting all the hurt and other bone crunching feelings out.

"I hate myself!" I yelled into my pillow a couple of times and if the neighbors would have heard me they would have heard heard my muffled cry for help, but then again, I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.

After drenching my pillow with tears and sobs I had to get it together, not let my problems get to me more than they already did, failing school was definitely not going to help. I took my books from my bag and sat down behind my desk. My blank mind more focused on Mia and the hurtful things she said than on history. I felt myself slipping back into a hole, surrounded by a thick stone wall.