First one

One hundred and two: I'm sorry

Lukas's POV

I shouldn't drive like this! Logan would kill me if he knew I crawled behind the wheel, drunk. And he would bury me alive if he had seen me behave tonight, that I hurt her like that. I tried to focus on the road, which was hard, considering the tears in my eyes were blurring my view on top of my drunken state. Fuck! I slammed the wheel when I couldn't contain my hurt anymore. Zach's words and Bella's lack thereof haunted me. I really didn't realize I hurt her, that I pushed her into the flowerbed, and it sure looked like I didn't care on top of it. That's not fucking true! I care! I do!

I was watching her through the window while I sipped from that damned bottle of vodka. I shouldn't have taken it in the first place, because booze wasn't going to fix how I felt. On the contrary, my drunk thoughts were overpowering and also feeding my suspicions. Fuck might have said too much to her. I knew she left to get some air, so I looked through the window to see her walk into the grass, her hands folded around her because she was cold. It was gut-wrenching to watch, and I wanted to go after her, to call her back inside, but I didn't know what to say. All my head was thinking about were awful accusations that would make things even worse. I felt myself scoff when she watched me through the window her teary eyes meeting mine. I instantly put the bottle to my lips to wash away that god awfully scoff, I felt guilty reacting to her that way. So you're scoffing at her now huh? Idiot. You love her. Go after her. Make things righ. You didn't mean the things you said, she'll understand you're only hurt.

I returned my sight back out of the window to watch her sitting down at one of the chairs. She was breathing heavy as her chest moved fast. Lukas, jerk, what if she's having a panic attack because of you? She's not. She's not. I would know what it looked like if she had one. I widened my eyes when I saw her lean forward, emptying her stomach into the grass. She felt sick and it wasn't because of the alcohol, it was because of me, because of what I said. Damn Lukas, you're a dick. How could you do this to your girlfriend!

All of a sudden, I saw red when a familiar face entered my sight. Fucking Drew! Hell no, I might be mad at her but I'll kill myself if he or anyone else hurts her. I left the bottle of booze in the room as I tried to make my way downstairs, the crowd of people and my alcohol induced legs making it really hard to get to her fast. "Lukas what's going on!" Zach stopped me when I was halfway through the crowd. Absolutely the last person I want to see right now.

"Out of my fucking way Zach!" I pushed him back as he was blocking my way. "Fucking move! Move!" I grabbed the collar of his varsity jacket and pushed him into the crowd without saying another word until I made my way into the garden, my eyes-only seeing Drew. This motherfucker is done! I went straight for him, pushing him into the grass as I started pounding his face, my hands not even in pain as my knuckles busted open. I lost myself in the tunnel of anger until I found myself in a headlock, my environment still a haze with distorted voices.

I don't think I had ever been this angry, feeling so betrayed and most of all hurt. I was angry at her for cozying up with Zach in the kitchen, for denying it to my face, for sticking up for Drew all of a sudden, conspiring against me with Zach, not telling me they saw Drew. She was sitting in the dirt when I got out of Zach's arms and I frowned my brows, not knowing why. I couldn't stop my mouth from yelling at her some more even though I knew she somehow needed help.

What hurt me most was when Zach told me she was sitting in the mud with her back against the flowerbed because of me. I pushed her. My drunken frenzy had pushed her into it, and I didn't even notice she was in pain. My entire heart crumbled into tiny pieces. I did the one thing, I promised I would never do. I was drunk, just like her parents. I hurt her physically, just like her parents. I was just as bad as them now. I needed to get away from this before I wanted to hurt myself. I thought that in her head she was comparing me to them as she looked at me. I'm no good to her like this. I fucking hurt her in the worst way possible. I couldn't stand the painful look on her face and I felt myself panic on the inside. I tried to hide it with sternness in my expression and the ice in my voice. At this point I couldn't take care of her; I was too scared to hurt her even more. I needed to walk away. I needed to sober up, so I could think straight, come up with a way to make things right. I can't lose her but I sure as hell will if I stay drunk and angry around her. I need to get my act together; I need to be alone.