golden | taekook

fifteen.

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⥽♡ ˘͈ᵕ˘͈ [젤리]
↳ ꒰ 𝙟𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙮 ꒱
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jungkook wasn't in the mood for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches anymore. he also waited a little bit too long in his room since he didn't know if he still looked like he had been crying. eventually taehyung had knocked on his door to check if he was okay, and jungkook had to come up with some lame excuse that sometimes it takes a while for him to find the right outfit.

this was obviously a lie. especially since he came out wearing his usual safe outfit of sweatpants and his favorite hoodie. taehyung noticed, but he didn't comment, and they just both sat at the table to eat their lunch.

"i'd offer you a shower but i don't think you'd fit in my clothes." jungkook said. he did feel bad that taehyung was still wearing the same outfit since they'd been outside in the sun.

taehyung just waved it off. "don't worry, i should get going home soon anyways." he said. he tried not to think about what waited for him when he got back. this morning he had left before anyone else woke up.

"where do you live anyways?" the smaller asked. it was a little muffled due to the large bite and peanut butter sticking to the roof of his mouth.

taehyung wiped the corners of his mouth and tried to ignore the twist of embarrassment in his stomach. "uh, not too far. just east of here." be vague, he told himself.

jungkook just hummed. it was honestly a dumb question because it's not like he knew where anything was anyways. the city seemed nice though, and taehyung also seemed like the type to have a nice sleek apartment with a cool city view. maybe it was a part of the way jungkook pictured him, but the nice cologne he wore also helped with that.

"hey tae?" jungkook ended up asking after a minute of silent eating. it had gradually turned into an awkward silence between them to one of confront. they could sit like this and not speak but oddly enough neither of them disliked it. this time it was taehyungs then to simply hum in response.

"why haven't you asked me about my blindness yet?"

he coughed. and then he choked a little. the piece of stupid  bread had stuck in the back of taehyungs throat right when that question was asked.

"oh god please don't die," jungkook said with his eyes wide. he just listened to taehyungs coughing fit and waited. "i have no idea where the phone is."

"i'm okay." taehyung cleared his throat and washed it down with a few small sips of water. "that was a very abrupt question, and to answer it, i didn't know if that was like a rude thing or not to do."

jungkook just giggled quietly and set down the rest of his lunch, a little bit over half left of the sandwich. "it's not rude, ask whatever you want."

the boy was being so open, but taehyung still felt weird about asking. "i don't know kook." he said, "why don't you just tell me a little instead." it seemed like a better thing to do than pry and accidentally hit a nerve.

that may have been the first time someone's asked him to speak instead. usually it was about what did he actually see and if it was total darkness, or how does he do certain things, and how many times does he run into things blah blah blah. now someone's was asking jungkook about it and he suddenly wasn't sure what to say.

"well uh," he started to think. "i think it's been maybe two years? my sight didn't go all at once so i difficult to put a date to it i guess." he said.

"i lived with my parents at the time since i was in high school. we all assumed i just need glasses when i started having trouble with my sight and these awful headaches." jungkook said. taehyung just sat and listened quietly.

"it didn't help. the headaches didn't go away either. eventually my parents took me to the doctors because we knew something was wrong, but we didn't know it was this serious." the ravenette laughed lightly. it's been a while since he recalled the details, it felt so much longer ago that this all happened, his life had changed so much since. "i remember exactly was i was wearing that day, when i was diagnosed. i remember everyone who was there." that had him pausing. the words left so quick and he felt the crack in his heart open a bit at remembering those faces after trying to forget for so long.

"hey, you don't have to." taehyung said. he noticed immediately the shift in his tone and the slight break in his voice at the end. there was no way he'd be the reason that jungkook got upset just because he got a little curious about the boys past.

"i know." jungkook said, swallowing harshly. "my parents were there, and my boyfriend at the time." he grimaced when he said that word.

"basically i have this tumor, in my head." jungkook said, "it's non cancerous, well technically, they've been checking on it but with the lack of a cure we couldn't keep up going to so many doctors so i don't know now-"

"woah woah." taehyung had cut him off there. at this point it sounded ridiculous that with something so serious they wouldn't be continuing to go check on it. despite it being somewhat harmless now, who knows what's been going on over days, weeks, or months since the last time jungkook had gotten checked. "when was the last time you went to the doctors? that's not okay jungkook. this is serious, this is your health."

"taehyung," jungkook just sighed, "there's no cure for blindness so it doesn't matter. the stupid thing is sitting on my optic chiasm and they can't take it out. it's been two years. i couldn't keep going to new doctors who kept telling me the same thing."

"but it's their fucking job to help people." taehyung said, the frustration was clear in his voice as he spoke. it didn't seem fair that people weren't doing all they could to help jungkook. he was a young boy missing out on so much and he had such a long life that should be ahead of him. "this is what they do, they're suppose to fix you."

jungkook frowned. "i'm not broken."

"that's not what i meant." the older was quick to say. "you can't give up, there has to be something out there."

the ravenette just stood up and picked up the plate in his hands. "its not giving up, its learning to deal with reality." he said.

jungkook didn't like to lie. it's not what he set out to do in the mornings once he woke, but saying those things to taehyung felt like a lie. it was everything he should believe and everything he's heard namjoon and his teacher and his therapist say to him. this is how life is going to be. but jungkook was liar — because in  his heart he didn't want it to be like this. he didn't want to be an outcast. 

maybe if he just did what everyone wanted, then maybe he wouldn't be an outcast. if he just stopped whining and did his lessons and learned to cross the roads on his own and figured out how to cook for himself — then maybe people would be happy with him and he wouldn't be alone.

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