Alexithymia

*The Last Sincerity*

Monique's POV

My back's sore.

Kakagising ko lang mula sa isang pangyayaring mistulang isang panaginip. Hindi ko alam kung ang mga nangyari ay katotohanan, Welvic was my first and I bet will be the last. Ang pangunahing ginawa ko kinabukasan ay ang hanapin si Welvic sa kama, pero wala niisang duling. I felt relieved when I found a note on a table besides the bed.

TO: My dearest Monique,

Went out to jog. I bet your tired. ;)

PS. I love you.

"I love you too," I whispered to the sheet of paper and then hugged it as uf it was Welvic. I could feel the softness of his palm while he's writing the letter.

Tumayo ako sa hinigaan ko, binding the sheets across my body. I went to the bathroom to see if I was that same person before everything happened. Nakikita kong nagmukang mas mature pa ako. I went outside wearing Welvic's white linen t-shirt and the bikini panty I brought from the mall.

I smelled the fresh air.

I'm not a virgin anymore... I'M NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE! Atleast I'm dying not anymore.

I went to my room, pagpasok ko pa lang ay sinalubong na ako ng mga yakap ni Myka at Ella, "san ka ba galing?" "Anong nangyari sa'yo?" "Tsaka bat ka ba nangmumukang bangkay? You look so pale?"

Dami nilang tanong pero niisa ay di ko nasagot.

"Monique answer me!" sabat ni Ella.

"Well after nung nangyari. I cried at the beach," sabi ko.

"Tapos?"

"And then, nakita ako ni Welvic," I recalled the fresh memories. "Inamin ko sa kanyang may sakit ako. Tapos yun nalaman ko ring alam na niyang may sakit ako."

"Ha? Paano?"

"Well, there was a time na pumunta siya sa bahay. Tapos yun pala nasabi na ni papa sa kanya na may sakit ako. Pero, he has to keep it as a secret," sabi ko twitching my neck.

"Tapos nung usap niyo? What happened?"

I was about to say na- we had sex. Pero I think it was inappropriate to boast your first time, so I guess it would be a secret that would lie to my grave.

"Uh... We- um- just stroll- together," sabi ko, lying.

"Ah... kasalanan kasi to ni Tricia! Kung tinikom niya sana yang malaki niyang bibig everything would be better by now. She is one hell of a bastard!" Pagpuputak ng bibig ni Ella.

"Shush," I stopped her. "What's done is done. Kalimutan na natin yun. Atleast ginawa na niya yung isa sa mga kinatatakutan kong gawin- she is my way of announcing to everyone that I'm sick."

"Hmp! I still believe that she's a bitch!"

We sat there helplessly assuring how much our vacation to this place was pretty devastating.

"Teka Monique may naka-away ka ba?" tanong ni Myka.

“Huh? Bakit?” I looked at her straight.

“Kasi oh, may pasa ka sa likurang bahagi ng leeg mo,” sabi niya.

Tiningnan ito ni Ella.

“Oo nga bat may pasa ka, at naakalaki pa nito,” sabi niya.

“Ah, marami na rin akong napansin na pasa sa katawan ko,” I showed them the bruises I found all over my body.

“Kinunsulta mo na ba yung doctor mo?” tanong ni Myka.

“Atsaka bat ang putla mo, para kang patay,” sabi ni Ella.

“Hayaan niyo pag-uwi natin I promise to see my doctor. Tara punta tayo sa beach,” sabi ko.

Our last day was pretty boring. We just sat and watch people play on the beach, everything went normal hindi na nandiri yung mga tao sa sakit ko and at the same time tanggap na nila ako.

That night, Welvic invited me for a walk. We walked on the side of the shore, napakalamig ng gabi at napaka bilog ng buwan. He walked for a moment admiring how bright the moon shines, napakabango ng amoy ng dagat.

He was looking at my wrist. "Ano hanap mo?" tanong ko.

"Yung bracelet na bigay ko?" tanong niya. "Asan?"

I showed him ankle, "Eto oh, dito ko nilagay para cool tingnan."

He smiled, "huwag na huwag mo yabg wawalain ha!"

"Promise bossing!"

"How’s your body?" tanong niya.

"You mean my illness or that thing we did last---"

"Both," he hastily answered.

"Okay. My illness is still 50-50, a chance that I may live and a chance will not. And moving on to the thing-we-did-last-night my back is still sore. But I put some salonpas on it so it doesn't seem bad at all," sabi ko.

"Are you fine?"

"Fit as a fiddle."

He held my hands tight. We faced the horizon of the sun, naalala ko tuloy yung araw na nag-usap kami ng mama niya.

"Welvic promise me that whatever happens to me you won't be disappointed or sad. You have to live your life to the fullest."

He hugged me.

"Don't say your good-byes yet. You're going to live, and God knows it's best that way," sabi niya. "Naalala mo ba yung first zipline natin together? That was the first time you overcome your fear on heights. Right now, I'll journey with you to help you overcome your fear with this thing."

"I really appreciate your encouragement Welvic, I do," sabi ko. "Ang makilala ka ang pinaka masayang nangyari sa buhay ko. Pero life has its ups and downs, and sometimes we just have to learn to live with it."

He hugged me tighter.

"I don't want you gone, you have to fight Monique," he said. "Promise me, you have to try."

"For you then, lalabanan ko to," I said kissing his lips. I could see his eyes spilling some tears.

I tried to wipe some tears away from his eyes, "I want to kiss you right now."

"Kiss me then," sabi ko.

He smiled. He pulled me tighter to him and leaned his nose to mine,  "I love you Monique." Then he kissed me. I was remembering what had happened to me this past few days, how I've been able to cope up and assure to find love in a small amount of time. How strong I am to fight for love. I really love this man kissing me right now, and if there would be a chance to live, I would fight for love.

“Welvic, I love you too…”

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