HIM

chapter 37: grief

I woke up Sunday, around 8:30. I rolled out of bed going straight into the kitchen for breakfast. I’ve been feeling depressed lately. I had to go to counseling today. I got dressed in leggings and a hoodie. I walked into the office waiting for her to come get me.
After the session I went back home. I started working on school work.
Once I finished all the work I had fallen behind on, I started reading a new book and listening to music.
My parents were at work so it was just my sister, my brother and I. We watched movies, well they did, I was on my phone. Jack and I had been texting off and on for a couple days now. “Lily, you wanna go to the park?” she nodded and we left. I sat on the swing noticing how beautiful today really was.
After about  an hour or so we headed back home. I went straight to my room, realizing I wanted time to myself.  At the end of the day we had dinner as a family. I went to bed early that night.

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The next day I woke up at the same time I always do, five in the morning.  I got dressed in black jeans, black combat boots and a white long sleeve crop top. I did my hair and makeup.
I walked into the school, waiting by  my locker for the bell to ring. Once it rang I walked to my class ignoring Jack’s attempts to get my attention. I wasn’t in the mood for people. I took my seat, somehow forgetting that I sit right beside Jack.

Lunch rolled around, we got our trays and sat at our usual table. “Em, are you okay?”
“Fine, Abby. No need to worry.” I said finishing my food. I went to the library to try and calm down. “You sure you’re okay?” Jack said, sitting next to me. “Fine. Just leave it.” I said quickly. The bell rang, I was the first one to class. Once the day was over I went immediately to the lake. I don’t know how he hasn’t figured it out yet. I’m not even trying to hide it anymore. But I know I can’t tell anyone. If I do, I’ll regret it.

I headed home at about six-thirty, dreading dinner. I didn’t even eat, I guess I was exhausted.  I went to bed  around eight, not looking forward to tomorrow's Spanish test. The teacher seems like she hates me. Not even caring about what I’d been through, still expecting me to have all my work done. I couldn’t handle the pressure building up inside me, I felt as though I would explode. I felt like I had no escape. I grabbed my razor and started slashing at my wrists. I know It isn’t good, but I feel worthless. I feel as though I deserve what happened to me, I feel that I don't deserve to be alive, I feel that I will never be good enough for anyone.
I covered my wrists up and cleaned up the mess I had made. Lying in bed dreading everything. Regretting everything. I finally fell asleep.