CHAPTER 37- Pretend
Demi's POV
We got back to Nicko's mom's house after the funeral and Deborah went up to her bedroom to grieve by herself. Nicko held Mia on his chest and sat on the couch, staring blankly at the wall as he absentmindedly stroked her head. I sat down next to him and pulled my knees to my chest.
"Penny for your thoughts?" He cracked a smile, but sighed, not saying anything. "Nicko..."
He shook his head, "I'm kind of tired, I'm going to head to bed."
I nodded and at that moment, Deborah came down, "I've set up the guest bedroom for Mia with the baby monitors and then Nicko's old room for you two."
Remembering my promise to pretend in front of Nicko's mom I nodded with a smile, "Thank you so much."
I sang to Mia for a little bit to put her to bed then walked into my room across the hall. Nicko was lying shirtless on the floor with a few blankets underneath him and a pillow.
"What are you doing?" I asked, a bit of a giggle in my tone.
Nicko looked up at me, clearly surprised, "Well I wasn't about to make you sleep on the floor."
I sighed and sat on the bed, "I don't want you to either."
He shook his head, "I'll be fine, I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
I rolled my eyes, "Just get up here you idiot."
He glanced up at me and slowly stood up, then laid as stiff as a board next to me under the covers.
"Nicko."
"What?"
I sighed and turned on my side to face him, "Relax, it's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before."
He nodded, "But that was when we were actually together, and you wanted to be with me."
I let my head fall back onto the pillows, "Nik I do want to be with you, but right now I just can't."
He looked over at me, "I mean in the bed, if my mom offered you a separate room wouldn't you have taken it?"
"Probably not. Because I don't want her to be even more sad than she already is if she knew we'd broken up. And because I wouldn't hurt you like that."
Nicko glanced up at me, "I've hurt you enough to last a lifetime it'd be nice to actually feel payback sometime."
I shook my head and shuffled closer to him, resting my hand on his chest, "I don't want that. I don't want to hurt you."
He sighed, "I don't understand that, I've hurt you so bad and you never do anything to me. Why do you stay with me? Or even near me?"
I thought about it for a second, "Because I love you. You're right I shouldn't be with you. Do you know the amount of people who have told me that? But I don't listen to them, because I love you. I see the side of you so many people don't see and I love you. I'm terrified because of that. Because of the fact that I don't think i'll ever feel the same way about anyone else in my life."
He smiled a bit, and then a yawn overtook him, "Well i'm always told how lucky I am to have you and I completely agree. I'm a different person since i've met you."
I rolled my eyes, "Okay we're getting too cheesy now, let's go to bed."
Nicko nodded and pulled the covers over us again and turned on his side.
"Goodnight." I whispered, and closed my eyes, only to open them a few minutes later. I couldn't fall asleep, and I probably wouldn't at all tonight. Having Nicko next to me helped a lot, and I missed having the closeness of him, but I wanted it to be real. After a few minutes Nicko shifted in his sleep, a few inches closer to me as his arm stretched out around my stomach. I felt my breath catch as I realized he wasn't sleeping, but was slowly pulling me into his chest. I pretended to not be awake, and snuggled into his warmth. I felt his breath on my face then his lips touched my cheek.
"Are you awake?" I kept silent and he sighed, "If you are and just being stubborn keep sleeping because that will make this a lot easier." Fighting a smile, I kept my eyes closed. "I know I'm not really good with my words and telling you how I feel, and it's because of you. Your big brown eyes, they make me forget all my words. Your lips, they stop me from making sentences because of how much I want to kiss them. God why do you have to be so God damned perfect? It'd make things so much easier. Maybe if you weren't I'd be able to even come close to being worthy enough for you." I felt him pull me closer to his chest, and felt his warmth breath on my face, "And I want you to know that I love you so much baby. I miss calling you that, I miss holding you like this. I hate that I was ever the reason for your tears. Believe me Demi, losing you is a pain i'll never shake. My entire world has come crashing down around me. The pieces of my heart just don't fit together the way they used to." He leaned his forehead against mine, "I know you're awake. You can stop pretending love."
My eyes opened slowly and I looked up at his face inches from mine, "How'd you know?"
He smiled, "This is probably going to sound creepy, but when we first started sleeping with each other I used to stay awake while you slept and use your breathing patterns to calm down enough through the anxiety to fall asleep."
I frowned, and reached up to touch his cheek, "It's not creepy, it's cute. What were you anxious about?"
Nicko shrugged and averted his eyes to the ceiling, "Different things."
I cupped his cheek and leaned in a bit, forcing him to look at me as I spoke in a murmur, "Tell me."
He sighed, "Losing you. It was such a overwhelming fear that the next day I wouldn't be holding you that I wanted to spend every moment I could consciously with you."
I bit my lip as I shut my eyes, "Nicko why didn't you ever tell me that?"
He shrugged, "It doesn't matter anymore. You're still gone." I went to correct him but Nicko shook his head, "I know, you're here. But there's still a part of me that's missing. And I dont know if i'll ever find it again."
I furrowed my brow, "What is it?"
Nicko shrugged, "Your trust."
I sighed and leaned my forehead against his, "Nicko don't talk like that, of course I trust you, i'm just hesitant."
He nodded, "Believe me, I understand that, but it doesn't change the fact that every second we're apart just kills me."
I took a deep breath, "Nik, I told you we're gonna work on things."
He nodded, and stroked my cheek, "I can't wait to kiss you."
He began to lean in, and my heart pounded. Just before his lips hit mine I turned so they pressed against my cheek. Nicko sighed and let his forehead drop against my shoulder.
"I'm sorry." He murmured, and I shook my head.
"Don't worry about it. Let's just go to sleep." He nodded and pulled away from me a bit, but I grabbed his shoulders to stop him, "Don't." Nicko didn't question it as I wormed into his side and slowly fell asleep to the steady beating of his heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comment and Vote!
Twitter- @Lovatic_Chica
-Rachel
