Take My Hand || Jinson

Mixed Feelings.

Why are you so excited? You know you are going to screw everything, you always do the same thing and everybody ends up hating you...

That's not true...

You know it is, that's why your mother left you and now your father is alone, all of this happened because of you. Nothing has changed, those guys are going to hate you as well, everybody will...

No, you are lying...

I'm not, I would never lie to you. But nobody would ever love you, not even your own father loves you.

You are lying, he loves me, I know he does...

Ha! He doesn't love you, he just feels sorry for you and that's why he is with you, or should I say why he put you here...

Liar...

Nobody will stay by your side.

Stop...

Everyone is going to leave you.

Please stop...

You should just die.

Shut up...

If you die, nobody is going to care, nobody cares about you or ever will.

"Shut up!"

Mark woke up in the middle of the night, a waterfall present on his face as he sat there panting trying to ease the new found pain in his heart. His only partner in this hard time being the darkness that surrounded his as if it were trying to comfort him and the only witness of his pain was the moon. This is when Mark felt like being hugged by the darkness. Mark realised that sitting in the dark and isolation made him feel lonely and showed him how much he needed to talk with someone, anyone. But he was still afraid, afraid of being rejected, afraid of being judged, afraid of being abandon, afraid of being hurt again.

Mark wanted to stay positive and wanted to think that he could manage to talk with Bambam and Yugyeom, but how? How was he supposed to stay positive when he had failed so many times in the past? The voice in his head was right, not even his own mother wanted him. So the new found question was 'then who'? Who would love him? 

The only answer he could find within himself was Nobody, Nobody wanted him, Nobody needed him. The doctors and nurses at this clinic didn't care for him because they wanted to help him, but because they were getting paid to look after him. Big money at that. He was all alone and that's how he was going to stay until he was all "cured" from his disease

With tears running all over his face Mark tried to fall asleep, hoping that the day in which he would meet the pair never arrived, but at the same time, he really wanted that day to come, he wanted to meet them and prove to himself that he was wrong, and that he meant something to someone.

Mark struggled to rest so instead of going to sleep he got up, slipped on his robe and slippers. He walked over to the door and quietly opened it. after walking out of his room he traveled along the corridor to a door that he had made himself familiar with. The one place he felt safe.

Walking in to the room he sat in the middle of the floor, his love for this room grew over the time he spent here. It was HIS room and no one could take that away from Mark. After sitting in the calming silence for a bit he got up and walked over to the far left corner. He sat down and rested his hands upon the white keys. He didn't know how to play the piano but he was learning, One of the nurses were teaching him how to play and he was gradually getting better.

His fingers started dancing along the black and white keys in the way he had learnt creating a peaceful and pleasant tune. After sitting at the piano for a while he moved to the right corner and sat on the stool, grabbing the guitar he began strumming a song. He didn't know where he got the tune from, it was just in his mind. But tonight was a bit different playing the piano and guitar.

Mark didn't understand the sudden urge but he went with it. He got up grabbed a crayon and paper and started playing the guitar again. As he played the guitar words would pop out of nowhere in his head so he would write them down. All of a sudden he had finished writing the third page of words with none left in his brain. He looked over the words and begun humming the tune he had been playing.

Mark didn't know what he was doing but it felt so right. He had enjoyed doing that and it made him feel special and wanted. The music room had always made him feel important and special. He would always come in here during free time, when he had a rough time or when he just couldn't sleep. It was his safety spot. The only ones that knew about him in the room were Hyunjin and the nurse who was teaching him how to play the piano.

He always remembered that note his father had left when he first came here and how it had said his father told the clinic about his love and passion for music. He was thankful for his father mentioning that. Mark felt free in the music room, he had the ability to listen to music, to play music and now he has his own space to write music too. Mark could not be any happier than when he was in the music room and he honestly wished he never had to leave the room.

But of course all good things have to come to an end at one point. Today's musical relief ended a little quicker than he liked. He was in the middle of sitting peacefully in the middle of the room and going over his new found lyrics when he heard the door handle click open. Mark wanted to scream but he didn't want to wake anyone up. He sat there anticipating who it would be, but of course he didn't expect the two shadows to be.....