Take My Hand || Jinson

Falling

A bunch of people were gathered, he couldn't see faces because it was dark and there were no possible sources of light to be seen. But he recognized their voices and knew who they were almost instantly, they were all his partners back in Middle school and high school and just a few people who Jackson never wanted to see or hear from ever again.

"Have you heard? Jackson can't control himself, he is like a monster" one had said, the comment driving a sword through Jackson's heart as well as through his own mind and thoughts.

"A MONSTER!?" one had responded only getting louder as he said the word Jackson hated most.

At this point only two words were circling Jackson's thoughts....... 'Jackson' and 'Monster'. Jackson had to question himself if he was a monster, an if so what made him a monster?

"He is right, you shouldn't get close to him" another had added which made Jackson's head spin more than it already was. 'Why does everyone think I'm a monster?' Jackson kept thinking no starting to find it slightly difficult to breathe

"Hey, stupid freak! I think this is part of your family!" someone had said and thrown the object to Jackson who currently felt cornered.

A broken doll what's thrown to Jackson, the words "Useless", "Garbage" and "Freak" were marked on the doll, and in the back where a small compartment for batteries was. Although the compartment was for batteries there was a piece of paper sticking out, Jackson had read the note multiple times before letting the painful note sink in...

"You can't even control who you are and how you feel, so how dare you to stay alive!, give up piece of sh*t, you are useless, nothing more than a nuisance, you can't do anything, just kill yourself already!"

Was written on the note. At this point Jackson was in tears and he couldn't help it but start hyperventilating, hearing laughter in the background made it worse because Jackson knew they were laughing at him and mocking him

A broken doll is useless and Jackson knows this. When a kid breaks a doll, it's considered garbage and they just throw it away and get another. No one likes a broken doll, no one would want it, it's garbage, it should disappear. The disappearance of a broken toy is never noticed until after its gone. Although would the child really care? they have a new toy after all...

One comment after another, one thought after another. All the things he had endured for years were there again, all the words, the damage, the pain, the sadness, the loneliness... He couldn't remember the joy of anything anymore, the happiness or even how it was to feel warmth, and so, slowly he began to fall...

Fall into the darkness, into the despair, the guilt, the self-judgment, the pain. The darkness swallow him and held him tight, not wanting to let him go. Jackson knew he shouldn't let the darkness cling onto him but he couldn't help it. The darkness made him feel different, in a comforting way. Jackson knew he was stuck in a deep hole and that he should be fighting to get out of this hole he has dug himself, but at this point Jackson found no reason too.

The light that he thought he could see began to disappear... 

"Who am I?, Why I am like this? Why I can't be like the others?, why I have to suffer so much?, I didn't decided to feel this way, to be this way... Why does my happiness feels so fake? , why I'm happy and then sad? , why I can't be stable? Am. I really broken?...

Questions after questions flooded Jackson's mind, but there was never an answer he could find, there was just doubt and pain. Then everything become dark. He finally saw a bit of light at the end of the tunnel which had given him some hope that maybe he was just overthinking and that he was stronger than he though, so he ran, trying to reach the light, the exit from his suffering, but not matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't reach it; finally he was able to reach it and there he had found Jooheon, but before Jackson could say anything, he heard Jooheon speak, But Jooheon had said something that Jackson never thought he would ever say......

"You killed me Jackson. You are the reason I am not living anymore, you were so weak and selfish that you didn't even see me struggling to help you up, You didn't even ask how I was doing... it was always about you and you alone. You don't deserve anything, you should just die" Jooheon had spat before vanishing in to thin air. 

And with that, he found himself consumed by the darkness again.

----------

Jackson woke up, he was sweating, tears pouring from his eyes down his cheeks like little waterfalls until they would hit the blanker that covered the bed. He looked around him and he found himself alone, and then he remembered.... Two days ago Youngjae told him about the change of rooms, but they didn't do anything about it immediately; that day Youngjae had organize that he would go to Jaebeom's and Jinyoung's room to sleep with them, just to make sure he was comfortable, but Jinyoung was not wanting to move at that moment so he too stayed in his original room, leaving Jackson alone.

Alone...loneliness....isolated.... that's all Jackson had felt.

His chest began to hurt and his breathing had become irregular, he felt like he couldn't breathe, he felt like the walls were closing in on him and that there was no escaping the walls that were now entombing him. He couldn't think straight at all and when he did, everything just got worse. Jackson soon began to feel desperate, the more he couldn't breathe, the more he had grabbed at his chest trying to relieve the pain, but nothing was working. He soon began to feel nauseous and dizzy, he wanted to be saved, to be helped my somebody "someone save me, please", Jackson tried to squeak out, but nobody had appeared to help him, he was alone, no one would ever save him. The pain in his chest became worst, he felt as if he was now trapped between the walls, like was being held underwater, trying to reach the surface to breath, but his lungs were unable to expand due to the water pooling in his lungs. Instead he struggled even more to breathe. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see or hear, it was just an overwhelming darkness, and he just wanted to be free and see the light again, but he couldn't. Then he started hearing all the voices from his dream, but this time they were screaming at him, he covered his ears, hoping to silence the voices, but it didn't work, instead it became louder and louder, he curled up into himself whilst sitting in a corner, pulling his knees towards his chest covering his ears, wishing that it was all over.

"I'm not a monster... I'm not useless, neither garbage... I... I deserve to live, I..." Jackson kept repeating to himself.

Suddenly it all stopped, but the damage was already done. He was now crying, murmuring to himself that he deserved to live, he wanted someone to come and save him, but again, it didn't happen. He now stopped murmuring as he slowly let the darkness consume him, letting the darkness win once again.

Before he knew it, he had opened his eyes to reveal that the sun had already come up. But that didn't stop the tears from falling in to his lap, he felt that he was broken and had already lost his pieces. 

___

It wasn't until he began to move around that he had felt his head laying in someone else's lap. Jackson was puzzled, had someone come to save him finally or was he imagining this too. Jackson looked up and saw a semi familiar face, with what looked like dried up tear stains. This worried Jackson as the younger male had his back straight against the wall with Jackson's head in his lap. 

Jackson couldn't remember what had happened last night and he didn't even know when the other male had walked in. But the name couldn't leave Jackson's thoughts ever since they had spoken in the greenhouse at this point Jackson just wanted to talk to the younger, especially now, still trying to figure out what happened last night..... Jackson knew it wasn't polite but he had to find out what happened last so he decided that he would in fact wake up the sleeping male....

"Jinyoung-ah......."