The Problems of Being Bisexual...at 13

Chapter 3

12/19/14

( Skip this to avoid sadness from me)

I know this is the same day as the last chapter I just needed to finish my explanation.

Ok so as you know I've been through some shit you just don't know what it is. Well I want you guys to be happy that I can cry now because before my series of crying to sleep I made myself completely numb. I mean completely. When my mom would yell at me I would just give her a dead expression, I don't give her the satisfying sad cry face, confused one, or the pissed of one. My acting skills went up and they still are because I fake that sweet girl that smiles all the time. I had just gave up on everything.

I still had/have a heart I just got tired of being let down and wasting my tears on things and people that didn't deserve them. Tears began to feel like a weakness and they still do. Actually after a while of holding in my emotions like i did...I forgot how to cry. I know it doesn't sound believable but I'm serious. I would get all upset and be alone and I would try and let my tears fall, but they would never go past the mid section of my eyelashes and would get stuck there. I would have to wipe them a way and the most I would be able to cry (get on my lashes) would be one or if I was lucky two drops.

It hurts a lot and I'm still trying to learn to cry again, without causing physical pain (not that I actually cry from that either).

At night is when I can let my emotions out and that last for such a short amount of time. I also get my emotions out by art. Yeah I want to be an artist when I grow up and I don't care if it sounds unrealistic or childish. I can paint, draw, write songs, play instruments, create poetry, write stories, digital animations, and other stuff like that.

Arts helped me not go insane when stuff became to much to handle. It was and still is my therapy. It helped me build up character and my own style. It puts me in this zone where I'm in my own little world where nothing and nobody matters but me. Everything's ok and fine when I can express myself. Plus I can put hidden messages into them, though they're not that hidden anymore as things continue to get more disturbing as I

time goes on.

I personally feel like I'm going insane. I see reality differently than everyone else. Then again it might not be me who's going insane...maybe I'm the only one who's sane as everyone else has lost their sanity and try to become an army of one that can not let an individual pop or stand out from the rest. Trying to make the race the oceans, they all seem the same. But nothing is the same, you could remove a drop from the sea and it size wouldn't change but that sea will never be the same.

-outcaster