The Problems of Being Bisexual...at 13

Chapter 20

1/30/15

I'm done. I'm completely and utterly done. I'm not even going to start this up with me saying hi. FUCK IT! Fuck. It. All.

I'm livid right now, I just can't take it. What's my moms problem? Why can't she just actnlike an actual LOVING MOM for once. I just, give me a second to calm down. Or at least as much as I can fucking make possible.

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Alright, so my dad went out today with his old guys friends to do what ever it is that they do. My mom went to get her hair redone, alopecia lookin ass. See I'm so angry my english is going out of wack.

So I got the house to myself for about 3 to 4 hours. It was nice I wasn't bothered, I could be myself and not care. Awesome Friday, right?

Well guess who decided to come home and take a fucking shit on my parade. You guessed it, MOTHER DEAREST!

So first she screams for me to come down because she doesn't ever see me. I'm not that bothered by that but there are some reasons this already went to a bad start.

1. She doesn't have to scream like a fucking cow giving birth every mother fucking single time she wamts my attention. I can be sitting right next to her but she acts like we're all the way across from each other, on opposite endzones, on a god damn football field.

2. She wonders why I don't ever like coming out of my room to see her. But every timebi see her she either insults me, points out some god damn flaw that I already know about, or she screams at me some more for something simple. The actual fuck?

3. I don't like her. I don't give a damn, she screwed me up already. She has brought herself to the point I only have a certian amount of respect for her since she decided not to abort me during the secret affair my dad had with her(that I supposedly don't know about). And for actually taking the responsibility of putting food on the table and providing clothing and education. I applaud you for that because I know some people can't have that. Other wise you've been a piece of pure bullshit.

Who was there when I got hurt? Who was there when I cried over my losses? Who was there when my friend died of cancer, or when my friend was raped, or when my friend died of a drug overdose? Oh how about when I had to cover for my friend because he got shot? Who was there when I was crying myself to sleep for 2 years straight? Who held me when I was about to break? CAN YOU TELL ME MOM, CAN YOU FUCKING TELL ME!

No you can't because every single time some shit has happened in my life I was the one who picked myself up! I was the one who held myself at night saying it was going to be alright god damn it! I still haven't listed half of my shit yet but I was there. It was just...me, and you can't undeestand that.

Not only did I pick myself up, I helped pick up my friends when they became broken, their families and problems I was there for everyone else but no one has been there for ME. Is simple love or just caring to much to ask for?

Apparently it is since every time I used to go to you for comfort you would push me away or you would ask why I'm crying and, if I didn't answer you in 3 seconds you would yell and get mad at me for no reason!

Like today, after you screamed and insulted me on my saxophone skills (I've only been playing for 4 and a half months). Oh and how I'm apparently ungrateful and  not responsible, you sent me to my room to correct myself.

Then after an hour you stomped your ass up to my room, my safe haven, and you waltzed in like nothing had happened.

You tried to joke around with me acting like we were buddies and then you saw a soda bottle I was drinking from and said that my room was cluttered. Then you looked in the trashcan and said that I needed to empty it because it looked dirt, when it was only half way full and for Gods sake it is a trash-can. Jesus just take the wheel!

I might just be complaining I can't even tell the difference any more. I've just been stuck in this grey area, only for it to transition to angry, depression, and madness. I don't remeber what it's like to be happy anymore, I barely get there butnit usually crashes.

I don't know if a 13 year old is supposed to fell or go through this shit, but it really sucks. I just want to grow up, get a job, buy a home, provide for myself, and actual be able to be happy, you know? Whatever man, I'm tired and if I don't stop crying I might get sick again.

Sorry you had to read that, next time?

~outcaster