Jily one shots

The great broom closet incident

Disclaimer: written by Squashes

A/N this is gonna be the last chapter tonight. I'll update more tomorrow love y'all.

My life seems to be one immense humiliation right after another. Take my birth, example. Sure, I was a newborn infant and can't remember it, but that's no reason why I can't be properly mortified.

According to my parents (who just love to tell the story at cocktail parties and rummy games), I wasn't due for another two weeks. They had decided to have one last hurrah before certain hell arrived. Well, I apparently didn't like being compared to Beelzebub's child, and so I made my presence known in the form of a large puddle between my mother's legs as she and my father slow danced in the elegant dining room of the famous Richt Mark.

Minutes later, I was struggling to emerge into this cruel world in the kitchen of one of the most chic restaurants in London. I stopped visiting there after my tenth birthday when the chef lovingly told me of how he cut my umbilical cord with barely sanitized kitchen shears.

And that's how I was born, blushing to the roots of my red hair. I suppose it is Fate's cruel decision that I should suffer so, from birth to death, but that doesn't mean I'm going to take it lying down. No, after every major degradation, I devise yet another plan in the futile attempt to rid me of my curse.

That's why I have decided to become a nun.

I know, I was shocked, too. A nun, you exclaim. But you're not even Catholic!

Ah, but you see, I answer brightly, I have red hair, and in Ireland, where roughly ninety-two percent of the Republic's populace is Roman Catholic, I am certain that the convents will welcome me with open arms.

No need to bother on the whole religion situation; I'm sure I can handle a few prayer beads and hymnal books. My primary school music teacher once complimented me on my strong vocal cords, so that practically settles it. Oh, and the fact that I'll have to be celibate.

Not, of course, that I wasn't already abstaining from sexual intercourse. I pride myself in my lifetime of abstinence, so much so that I cannot seem to mar my perfect record. So when Potter (oh, you knew it would come back to him! It always does) asks me to go out with him, I'll have to say no because there's no point in starting a relationship when I'm just going to be shipped off to an abbey anyway, my virgin solitude my only companion.

Now. I am sure you are quite curious about how exactly my celibacy cures my terrible affliction. Let me explain: since coming to Hogwarts, the principle embarrassments almost always occur when the odious Potter is around.

The way I see it, if I become a nun (which promises no sexual gratification whatsoever), Potter will have to stop asking me out in public, humiliating manners, which means Potter will stop coming around, which pretty much ends the Let's-All-Go-And-Watch-Lily-Evans-Die-of-Embarrassment-Again era. It all works out for the best.

The Catholic Church gets me, Potter doesn't, and the world is a better place. Maybe if we all became nuns, the international problem of hunger and poverty would be solved! Forever!

But then...unless babies began to grow on broccoli bushes, the human race would slowly die out, effectively eliminating the poverty, starvation, and life issue all together...

So maybe that's not such a great idea after all.

In any case, my personal oath to join the ranks of the holy sisters will be announced publicly the next time Potter yells out his eternal love (more like damnation) for me. Unbeknownst to him, his humiliating behavior will actually benefit me for once.

I will remain calm and collected as the crowd waits in suspense for my usual burst of bright fury at his stupidity. Instead of an angry retort, I will calmly inform Hogwarts of my decision. For days, the school will be positively buzzing with the astonishing news, and I shall rise triumphant over Potter.