𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕦𝕟 𝕚𝕤 𝔾𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕃𝕠𝕨𝕖𝕣- completed but editing

Chapter 89 | fiú amháin sa bhás (Even In Death)

I reached for the large, brass doorknob, my hand shaking slightly.

"Li Anne, it's ok," my dad said from behind me.

But his voice sounded like it was coming from underwater. And I was just a shell of a person barely thinking, going through the motions.

When we returned from the Garden Planet, it finally hit me. The loss of Bucky and the fact that our one shot was gone floated in the air like ashes, clouding my vision and settling in my eyes and lungs and on my clothes.

Danny cried for his dad, not understanding that he was gone. For real. Natasha had been the one to calm him again. She had made him a nest of blankets to sleep on in my old room in the Compound. He slept but I didn't.

The bed was too big, me too small to fill it properly. I just lay there in the dark, crying quietly into my pillow. It felt like all the color had been sucked out of the world, like everyone and everything were just shadows.

Steve understood. He knew I hadn't just lost my husband. I had lost Wanda and Peter, my best friends. Stephen was gone. He had been my mentor. And I had failed him. GiGi too, had feathered away to dust like billions of other, taking her unborn child with her. With everyone gone, my livelihood was gone. I was a failure as a mother. Danny wasn't getting enough attention from me. That brought on a whole new wave of negative feelings.

It was to much to bear. In the end, Steve slept on top of my covers with a blanket, like he used to do.

"Annie?" Dad and I were still standing there; my hand still on the door knob.

I shook myself and turned the handle. My past life stared me in the face, white cloths covering all of the furniture, making the entry hall look like it had been abandoned. And it had. Until Dad suggested Danny and I move in.

I couldn't go back to Wakanda. THere were too many memories there. The Compound was no place to raise a kid. So there I was, pulling dust cloths off furniture in my old home and putting furniture from Bucky's and my apartment back into the house.

Tony was finally well enough to go home. But the Starks didnt have an official home yet. So Tony decided to build across the lake from us. Pepper insisted so she could assist me and someday, maybe our kids could be friends.

Nebula and Rocket returned to space with Carol to sort out everyone else's problems. Rhodey returned to the government and became a sort of ambassador of the people in need. I wasn't really sure what exactly his job was because it came in a pamphlet the size of the Sokovia Accords and if I sat down for a long time, I started to get anxious.

Okoye ruled Wakanda as the entire royal family disappeared and she was the only one left qualified enough to lead the country. There was no word from Clint or Scott whatsoever. We knew Clint was alive but there was on evidence that Scott was still alive.

Tony separated himself from the rest of the Avengers from the most part, except for me, Dad, and Natasha. She stayed behind in the Compound to run it to the best of her ability. Steve got an apartment in Brooklyn.

I called Aunt May two days ago to check on her but there was no answer. Happy Hogan was gone as well.

Pulling our bed from the portal and into the guest bedroom where it belonged was more emotionally hard than I imagined. After it was secured and in its original spot, I fell on it, sobbing.

My dad wasn't in the room but he joined me, stroking my hair, holding my hand, and offering me a box of tissues.

"He was really something, wasn't he?" He asked when I had calmed down.

"The best," I sniffed. "You would have loved him."

He smiled. "How did you meet him?"

I looked up at him, tears distorting his face slightly. "That mission in DC."

"You met him but didn't tell me? How did you stay in contact with him? Where did you meet him?"

"Bucky is Steve's best friend before World War Two," I sat up. "Bucky Barnes, from the Howling Commandos."

"Ahh," Dad nodded. "Did Steve introduce you?"

"Uh, not exactly. Bucky was captured by Hydra and was brainwashed into becoming the Winter Soldier. He was an assassin. We ran into him the day I got captured. We were tortured together and I helped him escape. We wrote letters after that."

"What was he like?" Dad gently wiped another tear from my cheek.

I reached over to the white velvet covered box on my dresser drawer. It was full of every letter Bucky had ever sent to me. I handed it to him and he lifted the lid.

I pulled out my favorite letter he sent me, written on a piece of notebook paper ripped from his journal and read it outloud.

Dear Li Anne,

I'm convinced that gravity is not only a force in the world but a force in the human soul. You aren't used to me getting philosophical so let me explain.

Gravity is what keeps us on the ground, as you well know. Without it, we would fly away into space and never return. Too much gravity, we couldn't walk. There is a perfect amount of it here on Earth.

It's the same way with feelings. Feelings are the same way. We can only let ourselves feel so much. Painful feelings and strong feelings demand to be felt but only in small proportions. The remorse I feel for my fifty years of work for Hydra must be felt but I can only feel it in small chunks or else it consumes me. My feelings for you must be dosed out in portions or you will surely be smothered. Someday, doll, I will pour it out over you but only once our other agendas have been cleared.

It is our duty to preserve those feelings and memories because, someday, someone must hear our stories. It is only right. If we were able to have children, I would tell our child that life is full of gravity and that they are a part of the story of Lady Lavender and the Winter Soldier. They deserve to know our past as much as they will be a part of our future.

Even so, we might stay vigilant because the reality of gravity will pull us down eventually. Our job is to make sure it happens at the right time.

I miss you so much it hurts but I still have your perfume which I religiously apply to things around my apartment. Autumn is approaching and the fresh feeling that comes with it makes me think of you. I only hope I can see you again outside of magazine pictures and new feeds.

Yours with great affection,

Bucky

I looked over at my dad. He had found the book Bucky gave me for Christmas years ago that listed all of the things he liked about me. "He's right you know, Annie."

Even in death, he was helping me through. It was like holding his hand again.

"I know," I sniffed. "And I know what I have to do."

Keep vigilant.