A journey to change Autumn

17

I am depressed.

Three little words that can make something so wrong.

I am depressed.

It's true. After my weird dream I realized how much I miss my mom and dad. Sure I am happy for the dance team and have a new family, but I don't want to let go. I mean who would. I know this is just a passing phase, but it hurts so bad. I try to act happy and put on a fake smile. No one has seen through my mask yet. I write it out in poems. Poems that not everyone will understand. Poems that you haven't ever seen. Poems that are just like me.

I get out of my comfy bed and get ready to go to the beach with Emma and McKenna. Although I don't want, I also don't want to act unhappy. I put on my one-piece bathing suit with shorts and a tank top over it. I slip flip-flops on and grab my sunglasses. Emma and McKenna are waiting on me down stairs.
"Ready?" I ask.
"Yep." Emma says.
We walk out of the house and down to the beach. It is sunny and warm on this September day. Perks of living in CA right? McKenna and Emma talk and laugh about something but I am to busy thinking to hear it. My dance team audition is October 3rd. Which is only ten days away. I get my nose thing off October 1st. With any luck I will get my cast off soon. I try to stay positive although it is pretty hard.

We reach the beach in minutes. The girls run down and jump in the water. Since I still have my cast on I just wade knee-deep. I told the girls I would show them my audition dance. I have to do two solo dances. One hiphop and one lyrical. Then one that the coach teaches us that day. Our dance team has some cheerleading in it, some hiphop, some lyrical, and some tumbling. Talk about variety. I am dancing to Battle Scars for lyrical and Talk Dirty To Me instrumental for hiphop. The girls swim for awhile then come out to watch me dance. They are sitting on a bench when I get ready to start. I go with hiphop first.

After my first dance, the girls tell me I did good. Hiphop isn't really my thing. This next song is totally me though. With these battle scars and all. I tell Emma to play the music while I get in position.

Hope the wound heals but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
You're at war with love

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...

Never let a wound ruin me
But I feel like ruin's wooing me
Arrow holes, they never close from Cupid on a shooting spree
Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me
But when you're trying to beat the odds up
Been trying to keep your nods up
And you know that you should know
And let her go
But the fear of the unknown
Hold another lover strong
Sends you back into the zone
With no Tom Hanks to bring you home
A lover not a fighter
On the front line with a poem
Trying to write yourself a rifle
Maybe sharpen up a stone
To fight the tanks and drones of you being alone

I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched
I wish that I could stop loving you so much
Cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it'll never be over (never be over) until you tell me it's over

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...

[Verse 2: Lupe Fiasco]
(Then just leave then)
You shouldn't have but you said it
(And I hope you never come back)
It shouldn't have happened but you let it
Now you're down on the ground screaming medic
( I fall in the ground at this part.)
The only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses
Shields, body armors and vests don't properly work
That's why you're in a locker full of hurt
The enemy within and all the fires from your friends
The best medicine's to probably just let it win

I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much
And I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it'll never be over, until you tell me it's over

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...

Cause you set me on fire
I've never felt so alive, yeah
(I run backwards really quick after looking like I am going to fall. I laugh when Emma screams.)
No, hoping wounds heal, but it never does
That's because you're at war with love

And I'm at the point of breaking
And it's impossible to shake it (yeah)

See, you hoped the wound heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
Hope it heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love!

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
I ain't ever gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
I ain't never gonna change
These battle...

I end the song on the ground with my face in the sand. I look up to see Emma and McKenna staring at me. I breath really heavy. Only one thing runs through my mind.

Was I that bad?