Weeping Angel: Malvada (Book 1 of the Weeping Angel Series)

Chapter XLVI

I finally understood how someone could go so cold inside to escape the harsh reality of their past. What's even worse than that is always living with the pain, dying every moment because we feel lost, unsure. That's why we lash out at others because the anger is nothing but a shield for our pain and suffering.

"You don't hate me?" Josh softly asks, his honey-laced voice sounding so pure and innocent, my heart wanted to burst from my chest.

"How could I?"

Josh sighs in relief and wraps his strong arms around my body, pulling me closer to his chest.

There was no possible way I could ever hate him. I felt his pain, but his anger ruled over his grief and understanding, and he had a hard time seeing that.

He cared deeply about his sister, maybe a little too much, which was why he made some tough decisions for her, bringing not only her pain, but he hurt himself along the way too.

Josh would never intentionally hurt someone like that; he was just protective of the people he cares about, and Mason didn't see that all too clearly. Mason cared for his loved ones too, but he didn't have a brain-to-mouth filter, and his jealousy ruled him more than his brain.

"Josh, you're such a caring brother, and I know you always wanted the best for Penny, but that didn't mean you got to make her choices," I whisper in his ear. "Penny was old enough to know what was right and wrong, right?"

It must've been hard to trust Mason with his sister like that, but I was glad Josh found it in him to accept their relationship. But sometimes, you need to push the bike and let the person go on their way by themselves. Sure, they'd fall a few times, but that's how they learn from their mistakes.

Josh sighs in frustration. "I know, but she chose him over me."

I shake my head and pull back to look at him. "No, she didn't. You were her brother, Josh. She wouldn't have loved you any less. Penny just wanted you to trust her and Mason. Even if you made her choose-"

"Which I wouldn't-"

"Then she would've picked you, Josh," I interrupt, letting him feel the meaning behind my words. "Do you really think Penny would do something against your will or to intentionally hurt you?"

Josh pauses for a long moment as if having an internal debate before coming to a conclusion and says, "No. She would never."

"How do you think she felt when you made the decision to control who she could be with?"Penny must've been heartbroken, thinking that it was her brother doing this to her, but on the other hand, she understood him all too well. She obeyed Josh despite her feelings for Mason, showing how much she loved her brother.

"I fucking know that. I know I'm a horrible-"

"No, Josh. You're not a horrible brother," I interrupt, growing slightly annoyed he would think so bad about himself. 

I inhale deeply, leaning my body against the kitchen island and stare off into the distance. "Anger and ego consume us. Our ego works against us because it pushes us into fear. Ego makes us overestimate our abilities, and we think we know better, and from this, we use up our chances to become a better person and improve."

At this point, I was lost in my words, not caring about the way Josh was staring at me. "Anger destroys our minds and forces us to give in to revenge and resentment. We think we want to hurt others because they brought us pain, but we're only hurting ourselves in reality. We refuse to control our desires, and when we don't get what we want, we lash out or attack others."

I turn my head to look at him, the intensity in my eyes burning through his soul. "You were afraid to get hurt by seeing Penny hurt, but you realized that it was selfish. You realized it was wrong to take away her happiness to please yourself, and that does not make you a bad person."

I take his face in my hands, not breaking my eye contact with him. "Listen to me when I say that you're not a monster. You gave up your feelings and let Penny be happy, Josh. Sometimes, it's not in your hands to control what's going to happen, and that's alright. You didn't know Malvada was cursed and harmful. You didn't ask Mason to get Malvada and put your only sister's life in jeopardy. You didn't force Penny to accept Malvada as a gift. You didn't intentionally leave Penny alone that day she was attacked. You didn't kill Penny, Josh. Neither did Mason. It's not your fault, and don't ever forget that."

"Thank you, Rose," Josh whispers, a soft smile playing on his lips.

Josh stands up and towers over me, snaking his arm around my waist while the other gently tucks a lock of my copper hair behind my ear, and I rest my hands on his shoulders. "Thank you for not hating me, for choosing to stay."

I nod, feeling his touch send electric sparks all through my body. "I wanted to understand, not judge you."

Josh traces mindless patterns on my back with his thumb as he stares into my green eyes. "I never thought I'd say any of this to you. I always expected the worst from you, thinking you'd drop the caring act and hurt me sooner or later, but you did the exact opposite. You never failed to surprise me with your selflessness and kindness."

I feel my cheeks flush a bright shade of pink. I wanted to believe him, but at this point, it was nearly impossible.

He gently places his hand on my cheek, his thumbs stroking it softly, creating a comforting sensation within me. "Nobody has ever tried to break my walls and fought to earn my trust, but you did." 

My mind was in overdrive. I couldn't think properly whenever he was around me, and how we were in such close proximity, I felt like I'd lose my voice any second.

"That's because I care about you, Josh."

Feeling a hole inside my heart, I sit down on the stool in front of Josh, staring down at my lap to prevent him from seeing my frowning face. "You saw through me as well, you know. You see me as someone kind, giving and selfless, and I don't understand how you see that."

Josh sits closer to me than he originally was and takes my hand in his. "Then try to prove me wrong and show me what I should see."

For a moment, I'm unable to speak, a lump forming in my throat. I look up into the distance and clear my throat, trying to find my voice.

"I grew up thinking I was never going to meet anyone's standards. My mom resents me for ruining her marriage and life. My dad and my sister were always there, feeding me kindness while my mom threw her hurtful words at me every day. She tore me apart, making me feel as low as I could ever be. I blame myself for the way she treats me because I created the problems in our family. I'm the reason my mom and dad fight all the time, even though my dad says that's not true. I-"

A tear slides down my cheek, and my teeth graze my bottom lip, desperately trying to prevent an ugly sob from escaping my lips. Josh gives my hand a gentle squeeze, letting me know that he's right here.

I nod and take a deep breath, but my voice comes out as a whimper, "You, Gabby, Ethan, Mason and my dad have said this to me countless times, but I can't bring myself to believe it. I know that I'm responsible for what happened to Clarice."

"No, Rose. It's not-"

"You weren't there! How could you possibly say that?"

Josh's face softens, his eyes filling up with sadness, adoration and an intense emotion I couldn't comprehend. "Because I know you, Rose. For someone who wants to understand others and help them deal with their pain; for someone who wants nothing more than seeing the people she cares about to be happy and safe; for someone who's been through shit and still has a strong personality and a badass attitude, you're not the one to intentionally hurt someone."

I smile sadly at him. How is that he always knew how to make me feel better? "See what I mean? You know who I am, and I don't."

Josh lets out a small chuckle, "You think you're the only one who can see the good in people?"