Weeping Angel: Malvada (Book 1 of the Weeping Angel Series)

Chapter XLVII

Another tear falls from my eye, the tension growing in my limbs. My mind replays my last panic attack over and over again. I wanted my accelerating thoughts to slow down; I wanted to take a moment and just fucking breathe, but it didn't happen.

Ignoring the hammering of my heart in my chest, I say, "When you saw me having a panic attack in the hospital, you asked me why I was crying, and I told you that I fed myself with guilt and regret, that whatever happened to my sister was because of me. I didn't tell you that mom and I had an argument a little before you came. She made me see the truth, and I couldn't handle the guilt, Josh. I-"

I sob, feeling the dam of tears break loose and trail down my face. Josh helps me stand up before pulling me into his chest. I wrap my arms around his waist and let my tears soak his shirt, my sobs echoing through the house.

"I'm selfish for knowing what extent my sister would go to find out the truth, but I ignored it. I'm selfish for not protecting Claire. I'm selfish for letting her risk her life for me. I'm selfish for thinking that I'm experiencing Malvada's wrath while trying to keep others safe. I'm a horrible, selfish fucking person-"

Josh abruptly pulls back and cups my teary face, probably red from all that crying. "You're anything but selfish, Rose. You didn't ask Clarice to protect you. You didn't ask her to go searching for the truth. You didn't know what Clarice knew. And you sure as hell didn't force your sister to risk her fucking life. None of this was your fault, okay?"

My breathing comes out in gasps, and I feel like my head was going to explode from the heavy pounding. "She knew I was in danger, and I didn't stop her. Nobody had to look out for me. I just caused more problems that I could've prevented, Josh."

Josh brushes the tears away with his thumb, his eyes softening as he gazes down at me. "Listen to me, Rose. It was your sister's choice to protect you and find out what Malvada was hiding. It was your mom's choice to hide what she knew about Malvada to protect her daughters. It wasn't your decision to decide who Malvada wanted to attack. Your mom was hurting, and she wanted a reason to lash out. Why would she look out for you if she resented you, Rose?"

Warmth spreads through my body at his words that suddenly sounded all too true to my ears.

Clarice has always been the protective one, whether it's towards family or friends. She cared about me probably more than I did her, and I know she'd do anything for me.

At the hospital, when mom and dad sat down to explain everything they've been hiding from us, the fear and worry in mom's green eyes told me that deep down, she cared for me just as much as I did her. She was so scared for Clarice, she couldn't bear the thought of losing her, and when she saw me holding Clarice in my arms on Friday night, she probably assumed I had something to do with it.

Josh looks at me thoughtfully. "You don't get to choose who should care and protect you. That's their choice, and you have to accept whatever they decide. It's your choice to reciprocate the love, which you do even though you get hurt, but that's okay. It's all worth it for the people you deeply care about even if they bring you pain."

His words became the music to my ears, my silence urging him to say more. "When you choose to love someone without expecting anything in return, that makes your love for them even stronger. It's selfless and beautiful. You accept whatever they have to offer with a pure heart, whether they offer pain, promises, happiness, or not offer anything at all. That's what you do, Rose. Your mom could throw hurtful words at you, I could shut you out, Mason could call you names, and you'd still care about and understand us."

Josh shakes his head in wonder, a small smile on his face. I find myself mirroring his contagious smile, feeling the heat creep up to my face. "Well, yeah. Feelings don't go away like that."