Chasing Laurel

Chapter 16

Chapter 16
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⚠️ Warning: There will be some part that might trigger you. Please don't read this if you aren't ready. Prioritize your mental health first. ⚠️

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"Where the hell have you been?!"

Napapikit na lamang ako nang pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko ay sigaw agad ni Mommy ang naririnig ko. Nakayuko lamang ako habang walang imik na hinihintay na paakyatin nila. Sa isip ko ay alam kong hindi naman ito magtatagal na pagsesermon sa akin. Kung tutuusin, hindi naman sila umaabot ng isang oras na kaharap ako—iyon nga lang, sa lahat ng paghaharap ko at ng mga magulang ko ay hindi nawawala wala ang mga masasakit na salita.

"Answer me, you idiot! Uwi ba ito ng matinong babae? Ha?! Malandi ka! Ano?"

Nanatili akong tahimik pero batid kong nasa likod ni Mommy ay si ate Celeste na nakabihis pambahay na. She's sitting comfortably as if walang pinapagalitan sa harap niya. She's been like that pero tama naman. Kasalanan ko. Palagi ko naman kasalanan para sa kaniya but this time, kasalanan ko talaga. It's almost seven in the morning already. Hindi ko naman sila masisi na magalit. Nagtagal pa kasi ako sa apartment at doon nag iiyak hanggang sa nakatulugan ko na. Almost one day akong wala—which is I thought would be fine. Hindi ko nga makita ang rason kung bakit ako pinapagalitan ngayon eh. Usually, they don't have care with the time I went home so hindi ko alam kung anong pinagmumulan nito. They are not mahigpit or what naman sa akin basta ay huwag lang ako gagawa ng katarantaduhan na maiinvolve ang pamilyang ito at ang pinakapinapaalala sa akin ay huwag na huwag akong magpapakilala na isang Castillano. Of course, it hurts but as years passed by, nasasanay na rin ako. I badly want to proudly shout that I am a Castillano—showing them how proud I am to be part of this family—but it's like telling them about my surname or my freedom would be taken away from me. Funny how, I am free but not as much as free as the birds flying everywhere they want to. I am free but still being in leash.

"I'm sorry po, Mom" mahinang sabi ko.

"You really have done nothing in this family other than your grades! Huwag ko lang malaman laman na lumalandi landi ka na diyan Avrielle kundi ay ako mismo ang tatapon sa iyo palabas sa bahay na ito! Understood? Go to your room and study! You will have your guard para matigil ka diyan sa kung anong kalandian mo!"

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Mom. P-Please, hindi na po mauulit. Please. No guards, please"

"Who are you to question my order? You're just Isla Avrielle. Other than that, you are still good for nothing! Eh sa tanga pa ngang propesyon kukunin mo sa kolehiyo diba? Akala mo naman papayagan kita? How noob you are to think that I'd spent money on you just to have that kind of job? If you think you can question me? Think thrice because a nobody like you should only follow a command!"

But I'm your daughter and being a teacher is not like what you are thinking. Gusto ko sana isagot kaso ay nanghihina ako. Kahit ilang beses ko na itong naririnig ay hindi pa rin talaga mawala wala iyong sakit. I am trying, Mom. I am trying. All my life, I followed you thinking that it's for my own good. I never had friends because ate Celeste would tell my parents that I am not prioritizing my studies and that, I don't want to fail you all in terms of my academic. I never asked for any material things from you because I am afraid that time will come that you will use it to slap me but even if I don't do it, you will still slap all the things you have done to me—mostly how your life went in vain when I came. I never wished to be with you when you will go out and will have party somewhere. I used to believe that you all love me and you all are just protecting me but as I grew older—pardon me for thinking I am an adopted child but Lolo already cleared that to me before he died that I wasn't an adopted. But why is that I always feel like I am? Na saling-pusa lang ako sa pamilyang ito? That I don't really belong to this family. I wished people won't suffer what I've been suffering since the beginning. Kasi sa totoo lang? Nakakamatay ang maranasan ito. Nakakasakal na nakakapagpaisip isip sa iyo araw araw na mas mabuti na lang na kitilin mo ang sarili mo. I've been there—I almost did it everyday but there's one person who kept me back on my track and it pains me to think that.... where will I go if that person realized I am good for nothing? Saan ako pupulutin kung pati siya na kinakapitan ko ay aalisin ang kapit ko? Yes, they are correct when they said depression and anxieties comes first from your family. I mean—alam ko. Alam ko sa sarili ko na I am neither depressed nor suicidal. I am more like between anxious and depressed. Being alone is a curse. You have to imagine things beyond from imagination. Thoughts after negative thoughts and sometimes, makakita ka lang ng kahit anong bagay ay matutulala ka na at maiisip mo na gamitin iyon para kitilin ang buhay mo that is why ako na mismo ang nagtapon ng mga gunting at matutulis na bagay sa kwarto ko. Diba? I am not that suicidal. They said, lucky those people who have complete family. Maybe true, but not all of them. I love my family that it's the love that makes me still alive until now but sometimes, it's hard when you love them and they don't feel the same and you only have yourself.