"That's me" // Xukun's FF

Chapter 23

Xukun's POV

A familiar sound wakes me up. I slowly open my eyes. A white ceiling appears in front of me and I try to move my head to look around. I see familiar furniture. It's my room.

Where I was? How I got into my room?

"Yes, Yanjun. It's Nana," I hear voices not far away from me. I look at the direction and see Nana's back. I remember what happened.

"Because Xukun fainted. I took him to Fan's house. But wait...how do you know we aren't in the mall?" she says and now I'm fully awake listening to her conversation. I slowly sit down trying to make as less noise as possible.

"Were you going to spy on us? Seriously, Yanjun? Why?" she asks and once again I lose faith in him. I sometimes wonder what is going on inside his head. Deep sigh leaves Nana's mouth as she turns to me. She almost drops my phone as she jumps out of surprise. "You scared me," she says. "No not you, Yanjun. Anyway, goodbye." She hangs up with a soft smile on her face.

Nana comes closer to me and put her hand on my forehead. "How are you feeling?" she asks worriedly. "I'm sorry. It's my fault I shouldn't have said-"

"Shh," I put my finger on her lips so she can stop talking. A strange shiver runs from my finger to the rest of my body. It's electrifying. And it's strangely familiar. Her lips are as soft as they look like and again I feel this weird urge to kiss her but it's not the right moment. "It's not your fault. It's okay. Thank you. I remembered a lot of things thanks to you," I finally say.

She sigh gently again. "I'll bring you some water." Nana walks out and it's my turn to sigh. The memories I recalled before I passed out. Now some of it makes sense since they match each other and makes a bigger part but the last one. It was something new. It was after I became famous. We were together because we were living together. And I treated her like that. I was awful. I was cruel. I rose my voice at her. Something I shouldn't have done. I remember that day when Cheng and I were arguing and he yelled at her. The fear and disappointment she had in her eyes. And even though I knew I shouldn't I did. She ran to the bathroom but I don't remember what happened next. Did I at least apologise? Being drunk isn't a good explanation for my actions. Is it why I went to Stephanie? Because I wanted it to stop. I can only imagine myself feeling guilty after getting sober. Even now I feel my heart aching. So my feelings for her didn't appear suddenly. They were just always there. They just didn't disappear.

"Here you go," Nana comes back and hands me a glass with water. I haven't realised how thirsty I've been until the cool liquid tickles my throat. I put the empty glass on the night table while Nana sits down on my bed. "I'm sorry we couldn't make it to the mall because of me," I say. A small chuckle leaves her mouth as she shakes her head. "Don't worry. At least we bypassed your fans and some bothersome paparazzi. There's not a place where you can feel safe in this industry."

Her words hit me hard and I wonder once again. Is it all worth it? Indeed I like making music and maybe I liked being on the stage but are these consequences worth it? As for now I see only negatives. I was unhappy. I had to go on a therapy. I can't walk around freely. I made Nana unhappy. Did I really chose this path being aware of all of those consequences that might come?

"Beside we can always buy her something online. I don't know if you remember something like online shopping exists," Nana teases me making me smile to myself. "Of course I do," I respond and stands up and takes my laptop from my desk. She turns it on and sits down next to me. Our shoulders touch slightly and I feel the need to take her hand into mine and lay down my head on her shoulder or tights. I want to hug her. I want to apologise for what I did before. For that time I screamed at her but I can't for now. I need a bigger picture.