Saving Sanity

Chapter 21

Unedited* Please excuse any mistakes. Thank you.

A few days later~

Rylan placed a plate in front me with a hotdog on it.

Seriously?

He stood in front of me smiling guiltily I just narrowed my eyes at him and took a bite. It was a really good Hotdog, it tasted as delicious as everything else in this city. The look of the hotdog made me feel uneasy, I pushed the plate away and looked down.

Silent.

That's how I've been the past few days.

Don't you ever wish that the whole world would just stop? For time to just stop? So you can recover and get yourself together again? Well, it doesn't. Because like the bitch twins time and the world are, they just keep going.. It doesn't give a shit about you, it never will.

Rylan sighed with his arms crossed. Rylan barely knows me, Julio barely knows me. I didn't even know people as amazing as them existed anywhere. The only people that make an impact on my life are the people who want to see me begging on my knees for pathetic and selfish personal reasons. People who want to destroy everything that makes you, you, to make you feel that they own your life now.

But I spit at those people.

I no longer own my life, it's become crystal clear that I don't.

She does. Julianne Taylor, even though I shouldn't call her that. It's probably an insult to the real Julianne Taylor. I know little how she felt. To be.. Ugh, I can't even say it. But she was taken away her innocence at such a young age, too innocent to be innocent is what her father saw her as and dove for the chance to have his own selfish pleasure. I don't know how she feels, nor will I ever. My father, my mother. The words, even in my head are too foreign for my liking. People might say, with all I've been through, I'm mature or wise. But I'm not, I'm a child. I just can't express myself as a child or even show a hint vulnerability. It's breaking me, I'm a girl who like music, art and wants nothing more than to hang out with friends at the mall on Friday night. To get punished by being taken away their cell phone for sneaking out after curfew. To get embarrassed by mom at the store, and get embarrassed by dad for being daddy's little girl. To freak out about that big test I didn't study for because I was too busy texting my boyfriend and watching my teenage soap operas. To be.. Well, you get the point.

But I can't ever get that now, and I probably never will.

I get up and walk to the bathroom, I look in the mirror.

My fire engine red hair had turned an ugly red-brown color. I laugh, Rylan called me a rose when I got here. Now I'm a wilting rose that a child, instead of letting it fall naturally to be reborn amongst it's seeds, picked up and is now plucking my petals and tearing them from the small vain lines that leaves have. My black eye still visible and the bruise on my jaw has turned dark purple. The is blood is gone and so is my innocence, even though I wonder right now why I am making such a big fuss about innocence. I'm a murderer, I deserve all the cruelty in the world. I don't even why I'm living, I have no purpose. I killed someone. I took everything a person had and used it to protect a girl who is now trying to kill me.

I'm a sin. My life is one big sin.

Even though I don't believe in God that much, I still believe that killing anything is horrible. Even animals. I know what you're thinking "why aren't you a vegetarian?" Well, when you've lived scouring for food at a young age you eat what you can find. And I loved that juicy meat. Yes, I would choose that big juicy steak over there, rather than choose the garden salad that doesn't have paparazzi surrounding it.