Saving Sanity

Chapter 26

*unedited
Excuse any mistakes please.

I'm pulling my hair out, how do I give up? Give my life up? Fine! I really have nothing anymore, Julianne made sure of that. Depression overwhelmed me. Why does this happen?! Why me? Why can't I be normal! I beg God, please! Please! I want a normal teenage life not this! Why do I deserve this? Why? Please, please please! I'm crying and sobbing now. How did I survive this long? I'm almost 15 and I've seen enough of life to know that I don't want to be a part of it. I collapse to the ground, my vision getting blurry.

Look at me, I'm pathetic. I don't deserve to have pity from anyone, but that seems to be my last resort. I have to tell someone! I get up and wipe the tears and start calming down, I leave. I go back to Nadia's house and find her in the attic, terrified. What will I tell her? What if she doesn't believe me? I hear her voice, she's yelling? I race up the stairs and a flash of yellow flies away. And I see it, it broke me.

I saw Nadia sobbing by the window, her wrists were slit. Leaving a pool of blood where they lazily limped. I cover my mouth and sob. "Nadia!" I scream. I run to her and hold her wrist, my hand came into contact with her neck, it's becoming cold. She looked at me and smiled. "She did it, she didn't make me. Just convinced me, Allison did. She came back for me. Tell my mommy I love her. That I'm sorry, tell my dad.. To.. Burn in hell for all I care." She said weakly. Her dad left her and her mom for a 20 year old prostitute. "Skylar you are my best friend, I love you." She kissed my cheek and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Bye, bye." She said. I sobbed and hugged her close. "Nadia I love you too. I'm sorry." I squeaked through sobs. "Bye, bye." I said back. She wasn't moving anymore, the pool of blood was large. It stained my clothes and my hands. Her eyes were closed, she died with a smile on her face. I never thought I'd see that smile again. I got up and yelled swear words at the ceiling.

*~*~*

Its been a week since she died. I haven't talked at all since then, no one ever looks at me except to give me a dirty look. I've only eaten four times since she died, and they weren't even enough to satisfy my hunger. I went into the bathroom of a gas station, im walking to Chicago, I've had a few people give me rides but I was only half way to Chicago, I am in Illinois though.

I was walking in the bathroom when I saw a girl crying, mascara running down her face. She looked at me and wiped her tears. My face was stained with tears too, I guess she noticed it. She handed me a razor. "Try it, it helps. Just forget about all of it." She smiled weakly and I nodded. After I used the bathroom I studies the razor. It had a bit of dry blood on it. I touched the point as gently as a could and blood sprung out of my body right away. It stung, but I forgot about her. My feelings were put aside and I only thought of the pain. I like it.

Then after I cleaned the blood the memories came back, it hurt worse. I grabbed the razor and dragged it on my wrist. It stung and blood came out pouring, it wasn't like Nadia. Just a small cut. I did it again and again and I forgot it all, my arm became a bit numb. I cleaned the cuts and they left scars. I pulled my long sleeves down and left, no tears evident. The razor was in my pocket.

An hour later and My arm now felt like it was on fire, it burned but it was worth it. The burning made me remember though. I was angry, more angry than I've ever been. I went into the janitor closet, it was filled with cleaning products, but what caught my eye was a light bulb I wrapped my hand around it, it was on so it burned my hand. And I squeezed it, it shattered it and broke. The middle thingy inside burned my hand like fire. I pulled my hand away, last thing I want is to burn the cuts on my hand closed with glass inside. I took my hand under running water in a rusty sink. I put the temperature between warm and cold. I didn't want it cold because that would burn my hand more. The blood went down the drain and I groaned a little bit.

*~*~*

A week later I finally make it to Chicago. I didn't want to see Rylan, I slept in an ally. There was a thrown out mattress next to the dumpster, it was actually a good deal, there was a restraunt nearby that threw out a lot of leftovers. I think Rylan 16 right now, my birthdays tomorrow! Yay!

I went to the back of the restraunt. The waiter came out back and threw the leftovers out, he didn't seem to mind me much. After he left I dug through the trash and found some edible things. This restraunt must be five stars, cause damn. This food is good. I ate some left over Parmesan Lasagna and bread rolls.

Delicious.

*~*~*

It's been a month since she died, I don't eat a lot anymore. I've been cutting myself more often, my arms have run out of places to cut, so I began to cut my thighs a bit. Crying doesn't overcome me anymore.

I should end it all, everything I touch is endangered by Julianne. I should just.. Die. I'm a monster, I'm unwanted. I'm lethal. A creation of a brain dead moment. I tilted my head back, I can only be cured by the numbness of death. I let out a deep breath. I headed to the restraint for the last time before I finally give in to Julianne. They're having Ratatouille at the restaurant tonight and I want it to be my last meal. I sat across the dumpster in the alley and the waiter came out a few moments later. It wasn't the normal waiter though. It was a new one, he was Latin and tall. He looked at me and scowled. "Hey! Get out of here! People pay for this food!" It took me a minute to recognize him. Rylan.

I looked at him and glared. "Wanna run me out again, Ry?" I said. He squinted and me and I can tell realization hit him right away. "Skylar?" He sounded guilty. He stepped closer and tried to hug me and I stepped back. He looked hurt and stepped away. "Where've you been?" He asked. "Not important." I shot back. "Not important? You practically fell off the face of the Earth!" I snorted. "I wish." He studied me and his eyes fell onto my arms. "What the fuck is that?" He asked pointing to my arms. I crossed them and stepped back again. "Non of your business." I spat. His jaw clenched. "Don't fucking tell me it's nothing!" He almost yelled. I got in his personal space and poked his chest. "You don't get to be fucking mad at me! It's non of your business! Just go screw some poor girl and let me eat dammit!" I yelled. His eyes soften and he spoke more calmly. "I need you to come back to the apartment. Please. I'm sorry for throwing you out." He said. I don't know if I should, he could set me up and turn me in to the cops. Then again, this is Rylan, he did care for me. Even if it was before he found out. "Okay.." I said a little unsure. He smiled. "Great." Let me finish my shift and we'll head out." I nodded.

Wait, what?

_________________
Nothing to say..
_________________
Vanessa