Ever growing 2

Chapter 9

"When are you going back to Chicago?" I hear his fork drop into his plate, I keep my eyes down. We're having lunch after lounging in bed all morning.

"You want me to leave you?" he says, his jaw is clenched.

"No! I just... nevermind." I say quickly.

"You just what?" he demands.

"Well, I was just wondering," I gulped feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.

"Wondering? Or you can't wait for me to go back?" His voice cracks.

"Ryan! No! Why would you think that?" I'm shocked he would even entertain the idea. But then his next move shocks me even more. He stands up and walks through the door leaving me sitting, speechless, at the table.

"What the hell just happened? Did he walk out on me? Where did he go?" I grab my phone unsure if I should call him or give him space. I send him a text.

-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you, please come home xoxo

15 minutes later, he finally sends me a text back.

-I'll be back later.

"Is he mad at me for losing the baby?" We haven't even talked about it. I haven't even asked myself how I feel about it. He's usually so open while I'm the fucked up, insecure one. Physical pain seemed to help take the focus away from any emotional pain but I feel it stepping in again. My hopes of having a baby are slipping through my fingers realizing I may have another miscarriage if we try again. That's if Ryan would even forgive me because he seems pretty upset with me. We just got married! "Is he be thinking about leaving me?" I wish he would have talked to me instead of storming off. "Payback, for every time you ran away from your issues!" the ironic thought crosses my mind.

I called Maddy and Emma confiding in them after getting them to promise they won't talk to him. I know they would usually try to help but it's delicate. I don't need him to think we're ganging up on him. All three of us are surprised by his actions. My amazing friends try their best to help me but we all agree this isn't like him.

By the time, I talked to them and then cleaned the whole house trying to distract myself from all the crazy scenarios in my mind, it's almost midnight. My cramps are horrible! I wasn't supposed to move around too much but I couldn't help myself. I pick up the phone to call him when he walks in. Actually, he stumbles in!

"Babe!" he slurred the word walking over to me.

"Where have you been?" I bark at him.

"Here...and...there, I missed...you!" more slurring.

"Well, you can sleep over there," I say pointing to the couch while I turn around to walk to our bedroom. Now I'm really fucking mad. "How dare he come home drunk when I was worried all this time?!?"

"Babe, come on!" he follows me, almost tripping on his feet. I jump in bed pulling the blanket over me. The bed shifts when he clumsily climbs in it. He glues his body to mine wrapping his arm around me.

"Don't, I love you!" He kisses my cheek.

"Ryan, stop! I was worried all day and you fucking come home drunk. What the fuck?" I roll around sitting up. He tries to hug me and I'm torn. He's obviously hurting but so am I. I can't let him drink thinking it's okay but I also can't push him away like I used to. Tears roll down my cheeks feeling defeated by the battle inside of me.

"Don't cry, please! I'm sorry!" the words came out clear this time. Tears roll down his cheeks as he starts pulling from me. I latch myself onto him afraid he'll run away again. His arms wrap around me tightly as his mouth crashes onto mine. Leaning back he pulls me on top of him. He's still passionately kissing me when his hands start to wander. The electricity ignites my body but the pain in my stomach tells me I need to stop him.

"Ryan, I can't..." I remind him I can't have sex right now.

"Damn it, I didn't mean to turn you on!" he rests his forehead on mine, out of breath.

"I can still please you if you want me to," I offer knowing he needs to release the pressure feeling his erection pressing on my body. Also thinking it might help him relax, not the healthiest way but it always works for us.

"No, not if you can't do anything, it wouldn't be fair." He helps me slide over to lay on my side in our usual position before he wraps me in his arm. It's so frustrating laying in a bed with him feeling turned on without being able to do anything about it. My head is filled with so many emotions, some contracting each other. I'm mad yet I feel bad seeing him sad. I'm disappointed he went and got drunk yet I wish he could make love to me right now. I sigh feeling frustrated.

"Are you still mad?" He asks in a whisper.

"No...yes... not at you. Don't you dare do it again!"

"I won't!" he kisses my ear.

I pray that whatever was going on through his mind today never happens again, I pray for him to open up to me. Ironic again since I'm still rehabbing the same habit.