Ever growing 2

Chapter 34 Ryan's POV

At 8 AM, I'm still sitting in front of that damn sheet.

Killer.

Frustrated and exhausted I decided to lay down finally. Ella's shirt is still on my pillow but her perfume has faded. I sleep better having a piece of her with me.

Normally Mitch would have come and got me for our morning session but I see it's already 2 PM when I wake up. Stretching out I reach for Ella's picture smiling at it. I want to give her a reason to get her sparkly eyes back, I will do everything that needs to be done so we can be together stronger and happy. After a quick shower, I decided to try and find Mitch.

"Hey, you didn't wake me up?" I ask when I find him in one of the living rooms.

"You looked like you had a rough night and I was proud of your progress yesterday so I gave you a pass," He gives me a friendly punch to the shoulder.

"Can we try again?" I ask, hopeful.

"Of course!" He smiles and leads me to his office.

Again, I can't find the words to explain what happened when I was just 10 years old. Getting angry, I storm out of his office back to my room where I start throwing everything I can put my hands on at the wall. I only calm down when I grab the pictures and the card. Tears are falling down my cheeks as I read the messages one more time. I assume Ella is the one who glued all the messages together into the card putting a lot of time and effort as usual.

Many more attempts at writing are made only leaving me frustrated. Mitch finally suggested I focus on something else for now. He and I decided to revisit what emotion led to me drinking the beer when I first got to Chicago. Somehow it feels like an eternity ago, so much has happened since then. I remember feeling guilty for leaving Ella alone.

"I felt guilty that day too," I say out loud.

"What day?" Mitch asks.

"When... "

Memories come to me. I was in my dad's car when it happened. He was upset, yelling. My body starts shaking and I push the memory away.

"Yeah, I felt guilty leaving Ella alone. I didn't think drinking a beer would lead me to addiction. I've been drinking since I was 14 sneaking beers with my friends and then going out to parties when I was old enough to have my mum's permission."

Mitch seems to wait to try to give me a chance to say what I was about to talk about a minute ago but when I don't he keeps asking questions about my feelings when I was away from my wife and then when she lost the baby. Talking about the baby is very painful for me. I still feel like I didn't do enough for her even after she told me she doesn't blame or resent me for it. With his help, I realize that I've been putting pressure on myself trying to be perfect so I can support her. She's always been an amazing woman in my eyes but she worked on herself since we've met and she's even stronger now. Part of me felt as if having insecurities would disappoint her which is ridiculous now that I think about it. Ella is always there for her family and friends trying to help whenever she can, surely she would help me with my issues. But I wanted to be the one taking care of her when she needs me. Sounds so dumb now especially since she worked on herself and I avoided facing the problem at first. Mitch reminds me to live in the moment present. I finally realized I need to work on some things so I should focus on what I can improve instead of blaming myself for what I've done wrong.