Ever growing 2

Chapter 28

"What do you recall from that night?" My therapist asks.

"I sat down at the bar but I only asked for water drinking half of it before I started scrolling through Instagram to try and relax. I noticed my glass was full again but I just assumed the waiter did a refill while I was distracted. And then I... " I turn to Ryan who's silent by my side. "I...umm... I remember being in a bathroom with an older man. He told me to be quiet before kissing my neck. I was trying to fight him but..." I trail off looking down.

"What else?"

"I tried to scream but he put his hand over my mouth after ripping my shirt off. I tried to fight again but I couldn't!" Tears burn my eyes.

"It wasn't your fault!" Ryan says. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," he tells my therapist.

"His gross hands were all over my body groping me." I'm hurting telling the story but I need to get it out even if Ryan's breathing just stopped. "He said I wanted it, that I was a slut while he...tried to kiss me," I look down at my hands while tears are running down my cheeks.

"Can I at least comfort her?" Ryan asks.

"If she'll let you."

He brings his arm around me with his hand rubbing on my arm. I lean into his touch trying to control my breathing so I can talk again. His soft lips press on my temple.

"Why didn't you try to talk about it before?" Diane asks.

"Because I was trying to erase it from my memory. What happened after Ryan saved me led to one of the best nights of my life. I didn't want to taint it with a bad memory."

"Was sex your way of escaping what happened?"

"You make it sound like what happened between Ryan and I was wrong!" I shout.

"That was not the intention. I just want to know if you think that's a way for you to solve or escape problems?"

"Of course it is! It's not the only reason. We both do the same. Doesn't mean we're wrong!" I'm still shouting at her while Ryan holds me tighter telling me to relax.

"Why am I upsetting you with the question?" She asks.

"Because I love him, he loves me and our sex life is great no matter what mood leads to it. I don't want you to insinuate it's bad. I don't regret any moment that we've spent together. None!" My voice is back to normal now.

"Could you go a week without it?"

"Of course, we've spent months apart before," I say in a snicker.

"But not when you're together right?" She asks.

"No, I guess we never thought that was necessary." Ryan's body is stiff next to me.

"Maybe think about it? Try to find another way to connect," she gives us a small smile.

Ryan suggests we go Christmas shopping after the session so we can both relax. I'm still lost in my thoughts trying to figure out how I feel about what she told us. I guess I can see her point but I feel like we've both been holding onto that connection that is so strong and special.

We end up bickering over what to get for my mother for Christmas which somehow gets settled when I kiss him. I suddenly realize we really do fix everything with affection and sex. It's been working for us but I feel the need to try something new.

Later that night Ryan wants to watch his version of football while I want to watch a crime show. Again we start bickering back and forth until he pins me down to the couch pressing his crotch down on me.

"No! We have to stop the pattern!" I try to push him away but my body rubs on him instinctively.

"It's not that serious, I'll give in if you let me kiss you," he brings his mouth closer to mine.

"One kiss but nothing more," I press my lips on his and his hips start grinding on me. "Ryan, I'm serious we need to try and talk instead of fucking." I plead with him.

"I don't want to fuck you tonight, I want to make love to you it's been a while and there's a difference between the two for me."

"Ryan!!! You're killing me being so sweet. Please I just want to try, just for a few days." I say as a treacherous moan escapes my lips.

"Alright, alright I'll stop for tonight." he sits down bringing me to sit next to him turning on a crime show.

The following two days are challenging as I try to ignore the pull in the pit of my stomach every time he looks at me even when he gets out of the shower. His wet hair dripping on me as he kisses me tenderly, the towel leaving little to the imagination when he gets turned on. I know it was about our tendency to solve things with sex but we've been having deep conversations about life, where we want to build a house, how we view our careers, and many more things. Not that we never talked before but it's bringing us even closer which I didn't think would be possible considering the bond we've always shared.