Ever growing 2

Chapter 10

Getting home after running some errands the next day, I hear Ryan on the phone. He's furious.

"Fine, I will fucking be there! I just need to talk to Ella."

He hangs up the phone turning around to face me. The look on his face tells me he didn't hear me come in.

"You're going back today?" I ask softly, trying to avoid a storm.

"I didn't want you to hear it like that but yes I have to be there to shoot tomorrow so I must leave soon. Laura said she tried to help but I have a contract so..." he trails off looking down.

"I-I will be okay."

"Yeah, you will." He sighs and chuckles. I can't read his exact emotion.

"I wish you didn't have to go, I will miss you! I'll visit as soon as I can."

The doctor had said I should wait for the bleeding and cramps to be gone until I fly again. He sits down on a chair scrolling through his phone. I feel like he's a million miles away.

"Please don't get mad but I feel like our roles are reversed," I say, barely audible.

"What do you mean?" His eyes burn into mine now.

"You're pushing me away! How did you feel when I was doing it to you? If you're mad at me, tell me!"

"I'm not!" He raises his voice.

"Not mad or not pushing me away?" I use the same tone.

"Baby, I'm not mad at you and I'm not consciously pushing you away! I know how painful it is when you do it! I'm sorry it's not my intention at all," That came out in a soft voice as he walked to me wrapping me in his arms.

I stay in his embrace for a long time until his phone rings. Laura, his agent, is calling to confirm his flight has been booked. He needs to pack his stuff and leave soon. Putting on a brave face, I help him get ready. I'm having a hard time breathing, feeling the lump in my throat getting bigger by the minute.

Sitting on the bed, he pulls me to stand in between his legs. Neither of us seems to be able to talk just holding on to each other. He looks into my eyes as his lips press on mine softly. I have to force myself to let go so he can stand up.

Seeing him walk through the door after one last kiss tears my heart apart. I let myself crumble, sitting on the floor, crying. Loneliness creeps up on me. I've lost my baby and I have no idea if I can even hope to get pregnant again one day. Ryan is gone. I can only pray the bleeding will stop soon so I can be with him.

Feeling myself sinking, I ask my therapist for a last-minute emergency appointment. Even though I give her all the details, I still can't understand what truly happened. How did we go from happiness to whatever it is we're experiencing now? I know we all grieve differently but the shift in our roles is making me insecure. I'm told I need to make sure I'm strong before I try to help him. Sounds so simple when she says it but not that easy in reality.

I walked around for hours trying to avoid going back home. After a while, my cramps returned telling me I need to take my medicine. I sighed opening the door to our place, being in the apartment alone hits me harder than it ever has before. I grab my journal ready to try and express all my feelings. I've started using it after the accident, so far it's been helpful. Taking a deep breath I start writing. Ten pages later, tears running down my face, I somewhat feel better.

A smile finally appears on my lips when he sends me a text.

-I miss you, I promise to do better. Love you xoxo