Double Vision ~Marauders Era~

Chapter 15 - Confrontations

I fell down onto my bed, huffing loudly. Today was exhausting. I have felt so defeated, so worn down. For weeks it had been the same thing. I wake up dreading seeing Remus. By breakfast I say I will talk to him. By lunch I have decided I will confront Severus about our relationship. By dinner I say no to both of those things. It's too late. It is a loop I can't get out of.

On top of that, the professors have gone mad. I have been studying for hours upon hours. Its three months until we have final exams, but I feel like they are next week. There is so much homework, so much stress to perform well. I can't handle everything. I have found myself biting my nails again, a nervous habit I thought I had broken.

My anxiety has been at an all time high. I tried to warn my friends, but it is extremely unfair to them. Sometimes I get angry, extremely so, out of no where. I get bouts of irritation when I am stressed. Sometimes it causes arguments. I also have had issues focusing. There are days where I am so stressed about the upcoming assignments and exams that I find myself unable to do them. The days have blurred together, a nonstop pattern of despair. It feels like I went to look in the rabbit hole, but I fell down instead.

"Knock knock," a voice called from the hall. I sighed, closing my eyes. I didn't want to be bothered. Especially not by Lily. As much as I loved her, she was still a cause for anxiety. I still hadn't moved past her and Severus, and I suspected that she was the reason he hadn't made anything official with me.

"Yes, Lily? I'm very tired. I don't know if now is the best time-"

"Well, I brought someone with me. I know we aren't really supposed to be here, especially not him, but-"

"Who," I interjected, rubbing my forehead.

"Me." I sat up, my heart pounding. Why was he here? Wasn't he mad at me?

"Remus."

"Can I come in? Have a chat?"

"S-sure," I gulped. I heard Lily giggle, and the door shut behind her.

"How are you," he cleared his throat, still standing by the door.

"I'm okay, I guess. Stressed. And you? Oh, and please, come sit."

"The same," he chuckled, taking a few steps forward. He stopped, looking at me once more for reassurance. I nodded my head, patting the empty space beside me. I watched as he sat, hands in his pockets.

"What did you want to chat about," I murmured, twirling a piece of my hair. I wasn't very confrontational, and wanted nothing to do with the conversation I knew was coming.

"Severus. You. Me. Our relationship."

"Right."

"Azalea, I really liked you. And I thought we had something really special. And then...when you started having feelings for Severus...I felt like I had already lost. Like I shouldn't even bother trying anymore. You looked so happy. After that fight, I realized I was making you unhappy. So I just...stopped trying. But it hurts. It really hurts. And Peter...he heard you and Lily talking. He told me about you and Severus. How you were having some relations with him. You wouldn't believe the anger and jealousy that ran through my body. The hurt and betrayal. I thought I had moved on. I thought...I could forget my feelings for you. But I can't. And I don't want to throw in the towel just yet."

"Oh," I whispered, unsure of myself. I could tell he had given up. That was what drove me away. But I liked him, too. And maybe it was meant to be just friendship. And maybe it wasn't. But I really couldn't tell.

"I was really upset with you," I started, "I wasn't sure why you had pushed me away. I knew you were mad, but I thought we could talk it out. Or that we would at least be friends. It hurt me, too. And that night, at Lily's house, I saw you with that girl. I just knew I had lost you. I knew you had given up. So, we left the party. And...we did have some fun. But I thought more would come out of it. It is a little embarrassing, honestly. I trust him completely. And I enjoyed myself. And I don't even care that he saw me naked. But...I can't tell if he wants me anymore. We didn't, you know, have sex. But maybe I wasn't good enough? I don't know. He still kisses me, here and there. But he hasn't made it official or anything. And maybe he won't. I know he still loves Lily. And part of me thinks he is holding out for her. Just like part of him knows I am holding out for you."