Double Vision ~Marauders Era~

Chapter 16 - Double Trouble

Every day, I was filled with guilt. Severus would kiss me on the cheek, hold my hand when no one was looking. We would smile and laugh, and I would have such a great time with him. Then, I would come back to my dorm to find Remus waiting for me. He would have serious conversations with me, talk to me about what he wanted in the future. He would kiss me so passionately my head would spin, and I couldn't find any words.

He knew about Severus. He begged me every day to stop seeing him. And I wished I could. But I couldn't. And I was selfish for it. Severus didn't know about Remus. I knew it would start a fight that I couldn't control. I couldn't bare to see his face when I told him. He meant too much to me.

It was getting harder and harder to hide, though. My secrets were weighing me down. I found myself more and more miserable. I was happy in those moments. I had two wonderful guys who would do anything for me. But I would be alone and all I could feel was guilt. How could I do this? Be with two people at once? How could I hurt either one? I couldn't.

It only took a month for everything to fall apart. Severus approached me after class, a murderous look in his eyes. He didn't say anything. He just stared. And when he turned and walked away, I followed. I could feel the anger rolling off of him in waves. It was terrifying. I wasn't scared of him. I was scared of losing him.

"You know," I said. It didn't take a genius.

"You mean about your werewolf fling? Yes, I know," he snapped back.

"We aren't together, Severus. It can't be a fling when I don't have a boyfriend."

"What?" He finally turned to look at me, and I could tell he felt betrayed.

"We aren't dating! You never asked me. And I never said yes."

"I thought we would be mutually inclusive-"

"Are you joking? You fooled around with me over Christmas and then acted like nothing happened! We came back and it's a kiss on the cheek and holding hands! While I love that, I want more! I need more! And Remus would give me that. He is begging me to let him give me that. But I can't because of you!"

"If I'm such a problem, why don't you break it off," he hissed. He was hurt by my words. I was so scared of this.

"Because I love you," I blurted out. Oh crap. I had never admitted that before, not even to myself.

"You-"

"Yes," I whispered, "But you push me away. And I know why."

"What are you talking about? I don't-"

"You do know! You've always known! It's her, Severus. It's Lily, and it's always been Lily."

"I-I don't know what you mean." He seemed surprised. Did he really think I didn't know?

"You love her, not me. I can see it in your eyes. When she walks by. You follow her every move. Listen to her every word. Everything is less important when she is around. Including me."

"You are being ridiculous!"

"Just admit it," I screeched. I was so angry, so hurt. Why didn't he just tell me the truth? I knew. He knew I knew. He didn't have to lie.

"Okay. I admit I had feelings for her at one point. But you mean everything to me! I want you, not her."

"You want me, but you don't want her knowing you want me? Right?"

"Well, I guess I hid it from her, but-"

"I told her everything Severus. She asks me every day how it is going. I've told her what we have done, how I feel about you. She knows everything about our relationship. Other than the fact she is ruining it."

"Azalea, I do love her. But I'm trying to get past that. I really like you. I care for you. Isn't that enough?"

"How could that be enough? I'm sharing your love with another girl! One who doesn't even care about you! She likes James, Severus. And quite frankly, I hope she never dates you. I want you all for myself."

"That is uncalled for, Azalea. I know how she feels about me."

"Yeah? And you know how I feel too, right? And you would still choose her." He didn't say anything in response.

"Was I nothing to you? A play thing? I love you!"

"Don't say that," he snapped, "Obviously I care about you!"

"But you don't love me?"

"I don't know," he said after a few silent seconds.

"I know," I closed my eyes, letting a tear fall, "I think...we should take a break. I don't want to be with you if you can't let go of her. I would have let Remus go for you. If you asked me too. And I wouldn't let you go for him. Think about that, Severus. And figure out where we stand because we can't do this if we are both seeing other people."

I turned, letting my tears fall freely now. I didn't listen to his calls. I couldn't face him any longer. I realize how strongly I felt for him. But I've known his heart lies somewhere else. And maybe thats why I couldn't let go of Remus. Maybe it was my backup plan. That is such an awful thing to say, but maybe it's true. I know how he feels about me. I know he isn't hung up on someone else. Maybe he was a better option, anyways. I could grow to love him eventually, right?

I barely made it back to my room, and I was so grateful Remus was no where to be found. I couldn't handle him right now. I wasn't sure I could continue with him, either. But maybe he would treat me better. Love me like I should be. I don't know, but maybe I could find out.