Hidden Marks || BTS || COMPLETED

46: Consequences

"Do you know why I was standing there in the middle of the road?" I asked, staring into the women who I could no longer recognize as my own mother.

She only pressed her lips, deciding to stay silent as she sat the couch, the same spot where she screamed and blamed me for my brothers death. It was ironic and almost comical how now I'm the ones confronting her as I sat parallel to her, everyone else in their own rooms to give us privacy.

"The only thing I could asked myself is ''why am I never good enough?'" I had tried so hard to impress this women infront of me, studied endlessly just to get her approval, and I figured out too late that nothing I do would be good enough. With the furrowed brows and tensed shoulders, I could offer this women all the riches this world could offer and it still wouldn't be enough, "Do you know what it feels like to be drowned? To feel as if you can't even breath, as if someone is trying to choke you? Because I do, I felt it every waking moment of my life feeling it."

Baram suddenly decided to speak up, because this was the only retort she could come up with, "You think I didn't feel that too? My son died-"

"And you pushed all the blame to me," I gave her a smile, and it seemed to disturb her as she looked away from me, flinching slightly, "I didn't do that. Every words you told me that day, I remember every single one of it, I engraved it into my mind and blamed myself everyday."

"If you hadn't gone out that day Ji-Ho would have died."

"And now I want to die mom," I confessed. Her eyes widened in shock as she finally looked at me, and all the broken pieces that is me, "Everyday I wished that I was the one who died instead, you made me feel as if my life was less then Ji-Ho's, that the world would have been better off if I have died in his place instead."

"I-I never meant that...you're my daughter."

"You broke me. You emotionally tore me apart, poured acid all over me and lit me on fire, that's what you did to me when you blamed me, when you walked out that door. You broke your own daughter, to the point that no matter how hard I try, every time I look into a mirror I want to throw up. I'm so broken mom, that when I fell down those stairs I wanted to die."

I paused for a moment, wiping away the few tears that managed to escape, "You want to know how I view you? As the women who killed her own daughter."

Baram's own tears were coming out as well, as her shoulders shook from suppressed sobs. Hearing these words come out form Sera were too much, "Please just stop."

"You never once stopped until you broke me. Did you think I was even close to being okay after the car accident? Maybe I could have been better, maybe I wouldn't have been so broken if you instead comforted me, told me everything was going to be alright. Instead the first thing you did mom, was slap me and told me that I killed my own brother."

"Please, that's enough."

"It wasn't enough for you when I was already beginning to break, you just made it so that I shattered. You broke me, so please tell me how to fix myself," I wanted her to know my pain. The pain that she caused me.

I have spent my life after the death of Ji-Ho, suffering so much, hating myself so much and enduring the pain, because my mother couldn't simply hug me.

"While you cried out for Ji-Ho," I began once more, because it wasn't enough, "I silently cried for my best friend, for my brother and my mother. The gap year I took mom...if I didn't take it I was going to do something stupid. I didn't spend that year just to rest. The times I went out, that you thought I went to just hang out with friends, I spent at the cemetery, in an office with a therapist who kept saying the same shit, but also right on top of my high school rooftop."