Hidden Marks || BTS || COMPLETED

My Love

I found an authors note I wrote in my drive that I never uploaded. Sorry this isn't an update or anything special. Just wanted to share this!

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I always read romance books, where the main couples experience hardship, but in the end, they will end up together. Don't get me wrong, those stories are always great and make my heart happy, but I wanted to write a story that was more realistic to real life. Where not everything has a happy ending.

I had a single goal, and while sometimes I joked it was to destroy my readers with a sad ending, I just wanted to write how I view what love is.

Love is something incredible, and incredibly difficult. It is something that I find is the most difficult thing to give and gain, even if the person you're sharing your heart with is the sweetest and most loveable person, accepting that love is still the most difficult thing if you don't love yourself.

Maybe my own experience influenced this story because I have learned, love is the easiest yet most painful thing.

While my life experience is nowhere near as dramatic or tragic as Han Sera, I have my fair share of hardship though.

Of entering a relationship where there was so much love, but I couldn't accept it, because I hated myself.

I honestly don't have any intention of sharing my sob story here, but maybe just the relevant parts of it.

Writing this book, I was always hesitant to make Sera hurt, I was always hesitant to make her forgive, I was always hesitant to make her weak. I was always hesitant to make her strong. I was always hesitant to make her kind, gentle, angry, mean, or hurtful. There were a lot of things I was hesitant with when writing Han Sera's story because I would look at the comments, and see how painful this story is. There were many times I wanted to move to a cliche ending, and give Han Sera the happiness you all wanted her to have, but is that even what love is?

Is that what love is like in reality?

Can someone really achieve a happy ending, because they kept on enduring?

The one thing I have learned in my short life, and maybe it will change as time flows, but I have learned, that sometimes, no matter how hard you have tried, things won't go the way you want it to.

Even if you gave something your all, sometimes, that won't even be enough.

You can keep pursuing it though, and there's nothing wrong with continuing to pursue something until you achieve it, however, sometimes you have to come to an acceptance with life.

I have tried, in my short years of being alive, I have tried, and gave something my all, and haven't reached the results I wanted. I have given love my all, but I couldn't save it. Not only that, but I tore myself apart every day for that failure, blamed myself every day and told myself, whatever pain I am feeling, I probably deserved it. In the purest form of what I know, I truly hated and despised myself.

As you can tell, I wasn't the happiest person.

I couldn't come into acceptance of how things were, and I still desperately clung on until eventually, the person I loved so much, had to walk away for both of our sake, so we both wouldn't spiral even more down into depression and self-hatred.

Sera, in some ways, is a reflection of me and my experience of love, and a reflection of the person I loved.

Han Sera, did something that I couldn't do, and it was to come into acceptance with how things were and make a decision that would be best for her and everyone involved, and that was to walk away.

For a long time, I thought walking away was just giving up, and maybe it is, but giving up is just as hard as enduring. It was hard for me to let go, even if holding on was killing me internally.

I wanted Hidden Marks to be reflective of how I view love. It is something filled with happiness, but also the most painful with no happy ending. So even with so many people asking for a happy ending, it would be an injustice to me and the love I have experienced, to write one when I wanted this story to be reflective of my love.