Ephemeral //H.S

Limbo, Void, Infinite rabbit hole

🎶Everything I wanted-Billie Eilish
🎶Heart of Stone-IKO

-Lucy Urbinati-

It's so different because it's nothingness, but it's everything all at once.

One couldn't possibly explain this feeling, physically you can't see anything but darkness, but this kind of darkness didn't terrify me to the bone for some reason, I almost felt comfortable in it.

You can't see anything, but inside you can see just about everything.

I told you it couldn't be explained, didn't I?

But even if I couldn't explain it didn't mean I didn't succumb to it, that I didn't let myself get carried into this, this void? this feeling? or maybe it was just like being caught in limbo, unable to leave, living a thousand lives at once all while falling down this rabbit hole for eternity, never ever crashing down.

Your worst nightmares and your wildest dreams, loving memories and painful truths, what you were and what you could've been, but never what you are. Because what you truly are is in the darkness, falling down the rabbit hole.

You either stay in limbo, or you get pulled away. But you never get to know which was the best option.

I'll never get to know which option would've been better, less painful, which version I would've enjoyed the most, because he pulled me away.

And I have this feeling that limbo is something that I'll never get to feel again. In my head limbo was a waiting room, but my appointment with death wasn't just now yet, because he pulled me away.

It's not his fault, he couldn't have known how good it felt down there, down the rabbit hole.

...

"Mom...?" I ask with my sweetest voice, looking up at my mom as she puts a tray of homemade cookies in the oven.

"Yes my love?" The corner of her lips tugs up and her eyebrows raise on her forehead, as if she knew what I wanted to ask.

I bite on the inside of my cheek, arms folded behind me. I look down at my feet almost completely covered by my dinosaur pyjama pants.

Dad found them in the boy's section but he knows how much I love dinosaurs, so he bought them for me.

They were a little too big so mom used her old practice surgery kit to fix them for me. She said that she didn't use this kit anymore because she was a resident at the hospital, I'm not sure what it means but I believe her. Dinosaurs are so cool though.

When I hesitate to speak I feel Devon's elbow nudging mine, making me push her back with a quiet mumble "Stop it!", which makes mom chuckles. I don't like to not follow the rules, but it's not a school night, so normally we're allowed to go to bed later than usual. Also because it's the weekend, Devon can sleep here and Jenna, my babysitter, isn't here.

I like Jenna, she's really nice and she lets me play with her hair, and she paints my toenails sometimes, but I like mom better.

She isn't always here at night to tuck me in and kiss me goodnight and I always miss her at night. She says that she needs to fix other kids like me, kids that are too sick to sleep in their own beds. So when she isn't here to kiss me goodnight, that means that she is helping someone that needs her more than I do.

But dad is always here to tuck me in, last night we read about dinosaurs, obviously and he fell asleep while reading, so I had to look at the images on my own instead. Dad doesn't snore so it didn't bother me, but I had to wake him up at some point because the images were scary and I really wanted to know the end of the story.