Ephemeral //H.S

Chapter 14

My alarm woke me up at 5 am today, and I gladly woke up this time because it tore me away from that same nightmare. But I decided to not dwell on it and to quickly get ready, starting a new routine that I'll have to follow until I won't have to anymore.

Showering, brushing my teeth, swallowing a pill, putting makeup on, getting dressed and eating something somewhat healthy along with my usual coffee.

It was weird, starting this new lifestyle without being obvious about it. I need to do this for everyone around me without them noticing it. I can't let them know that I'm changing because then they'll obviously have questions about my motivation. But all of this is only preparation.

Today Finn and Alice are leaving because they are finally getting the keys to their new apartment. It's not that I don't like them being here, it's the opposite actually but them being here is only going to make this harder for me to do what I have to do. I hugged them goodbye this morning, after spending the entire breakfast being questioned about my new neighbors and especially a curly haired one that they never got to meet, thank god. It was difficult to lie to their faces about the real reason he was in my kitchen that morning, but I managed to anyway. I said my goodbyes before Devon drove them back to New York.

I'm not gonna lie it really annoyed me that they kept on bringing him up, it's not like anything happened. I was terrified and asked him to stay with me in a moment of weakness. But that was it. I don't know how things would've been in different circumstances, but that's how life is right now. Which means I can't talk to him anymore, I can't make friends now. And it might actually be the only time that I would've liked to have a friend, but I can't have anyone else to hurt. I don't know how I'm going to act if I ever come face to face with him again. I don't want to be mean but I'll probably have to ask him to leave me alone, even if I don't want to.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for them. Maybe it will hurt less then..

I took the opportunity of being alone to go to the nearest craft store and buy a journal, well two actually along with a few other supplies. I came up with the idea last night, after finally being able to recite the entire letter out loud word for word. I decided that if I wanted to do this properly, I couldn't let anything hold me back. Not even my own brain. I'm aware of the trouble I have with my memory, which is also why I still don't know what my nightmares are about. And I can't control them if I don't know what they're about, they're a distraction and I can't have distractions.

So the first journal will be about memories, the good and the bad ones. There, I'll write about everything I can remember. From the earliests and less important ones, to the more recent and significant ones. If I manage to pick my brain for every little detail, it could trigger other memories and maybe I'll be able to know and remember everything.

And the other one is for my plan, I'll write everything I'm gonna need to do down to the smallest details. It'll have to be perfect.

I want to get absolutely everything on paper, I need to let everything out because I don't know how much longer I can hold everything inside without wanting to rip my eyes out of my skull. It's been weighing on me for so many years now, and I just need to let it out. Everything feels so heavy, and soon my back will break and I'll collapse without a way to get back up.

I've never considered writing all of it down, maybe because I was okay with the pressure and the self hate. I still am in a way, but I'm not doing this for me. And I need to be absolutely sane and focused to keep everyone safe, to keep them alive.

I also went to a furniture store and bought a desk along with a dresser. I made the last minute decision to use one of the guest bedrooms as my office, because if I decide to write everything down on paper, I'll need a place to lock everything away from her.