Ephemeral //H.S

Chapter 43

-Lucy Urbinati-

Is it possible to lose everything twice?

Realistically speaking it's not, you can't gain back everything you've once lost only to lose it again. But to me, I have.

My life was perfect, I had the perfect family, the perfect best friend, I was the perfect daughter. My grades were perfect, my teachers at school thought I was perfect, my ballet teacher thought I was the perfect dancer, my piano teacher thought I was the perfect student; calm, collected, focused, driven, passionate, absolutely perfect.

Never a bad grade, never talking back, never complaining too much, never in detention, never following peer pressure, never saying it was too complicated, that I couldn't do it, that I wasn't able, that I didn't want to, that I couldn't handle it.

But then no longer the perfect daughter because I didn't have any parents left to disappoint, never the perfect student because I simply didn't show up to class when I didn't feel like it, because I quit ballet, and piano lessons, because I would get detention, because I cried too much or not enough, because there was nothing left to want to live for, because I didn't care if I lived or died.

But then I made new friends, it wasn't perfect but it was all I had. They took care of me in their own way, they made me want to smile and to laugh again, they made me drink alcohol for the first time and made me smoke weed for the first time, took me to parties and clubs in Ibiza and the South of France. Then I found my drive again, determined to become a surgeon, to go to medical school and study my ass off for my dream, I started to feel again a little bit, I was as content as I could be. I went on my first date, my first college party...

Then I lost myself, for two whole years I didn't know who I was anymore, I felt dirty and weak, medicated, and depressed. And what's left of my family was the only thing keeping me afloat. They were the only thing keeping me from ending myself.

And then I met him, the only person in this world who was capable of making me feel so many things I hadn't felt in so long, so many things I've never felt before. He made me smile, laugh, he made my stomach and heart flutter and my cheeks flush, he took me on the first date that I deserved to have, he kissed me, again and again, showed me an entire new world and how beautiful it is when you're in love. He made me come, held me when I cried, he let me vent to him, he made me listen, pay attention to my surroundings but mostly he made me feel so fucking strong.

And just like that I had everything again, he gave me my sanity back, he made my heart beat again and my lungs breathe on their own, he unlocked my broken mind and held my shattered heart gently in his strong hands, promising to never let me lose myself again, to never let me break again.

But I did, and this time it was my fault. I lost the remnants of my family again, I lost the will to smile and to laugh, I lost the will to lie to myself and pretend that life was as perfect as I made it seem to be. I left everyone behind thinking that for once I was doing the right thing. I left him.

And because I left him now I was here, in the hands of the one person I was running from, now I'm here without a soul, because of me, because of me I was now crumbling to the ground, because now our baby was dead, I was only a shredded piece of paper left to disintegrate in the rapid water of a cascade, not even broken at this point but just not there.

I had lost everything again, I had lost my sanity but somehow I was still alive, which is the worst part of it all. I was breathing, my heart was still beating, but my soul was gone and my mind was just a torture chamber, replaying the worst mistakes I've ever made, replaying them as if it was the best part of a song that you wanted to listen again because you think you didn't pay enough attention. The gun in my hand as I bring four person to their death without even hesitating as if I was a natural born killer, my feet running through the snow and broken branches as I run away from the love of my life thinking that I was keeping him and my family safe, getting drunk and calling him without even saying it back when he begged me to tell him that I loved him, my nightmare of him collapsing to the ground right after I stabbed him in our son's nursery, right after I'd stabbed my pregnant stomach and killed our son. My so-called grandfather terminating the life I didn't even know was growing inside of me, and actually killing Harry and I's creation before I even got a chance to understand that it was there, that it was ours.