Ephemeral //H.S

Chapter 34

-Harry Styles-

Nine days.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything. I feel like my insides are slowly deteriorating every second she's not here with me, every second I don't know if she's okay or not.

I can't believe she would just leave like that, and I was starting to think she didn't actually want to. But the more I read the letter, the more I tried to understand her intentions behind every word, I'm now just left so fucking confused. If I had stayed awake that night, if I had held her just a little bit tighter I would've felt her leaving my bed. I would've woken up, and I would've convinced her to stay here, safe and with me.

It's hard to think that she told me to not go after her, the things she said in that letter really made me question a lot of things. I wonder if I told her that I loved her enough time, if she could see the way I feel for her when she would look into my eyes. Maybe if I had said it or showed it more times she wouldn't have left, maybe she would have told me what was really going on. Maybe she would have let me help her and keep her safe.

Maybe she wouldn't have told me that I should move on without her, that I should keep living my life with a part of me missing because that's exactly how i feel right now. She wouldn't have said that I wouldn't want her anymore, if only she knew how false that statement was. Because I will always want her.

I sit at the end of my bed, facing the windows with my elbows resting against my knees, slouching as my eyes are focused on the floor in between my feet. It's so fucking cold in here but I don't bother standing up to put the heating on. It would be warmer if she was here, her skin is always warm, it's like she's her own sun or something. Every time she would sleep literally on top of me she would always warm me up, but i never pushed her away no matter how uncomfortable it could be sometimes, I just needed to feel her skin against mine.

With the sound of knocking on my door I raise my head to look up over my shoulder, seeing the door opening and Devon walking in with a cup in her hand. She walks over and sits next to me, handing me the cup she looks up at me with her tired eyes, if she looks tired then I can't imagine what I look like right now.

"I figured you didn't sleep, so got you some coffee." She says with a small voice, and I give her a nod of appreciation as I take it in my hand.

"Thanks." My throat hurts when I speak, but I wash it away with my first sip of the warm liquid.

"This is the last time I'm giving you coffee, you need to sleep H." She says, looking straight ahead out of the window as she talks with a dead tone.

"I slept yesterday." I say and she sighs, shaking her head at me.

"You slept three hours, it doesn't count."  She deadpans, turning her head to look at my face.

"I'm serious, you look like shit." I grin, shaking my head before looking down again.

"I will." I say, not sure if I actually mean it.

Every time I close my eyes her face is all I can see, her big blue eyes staring right back into mine, her pink lips turning into a grin just like when i would tell her that i loved her, or when i would say some stupid shit to make her laugh, or even just smile a little. It's almost like if I could still feel her skin touching mine, like if the smell of her perfume was still lingering inside of my room.

I miss her so fucking much it's like I can't bear to be in my own skin anymore, and there's nothing I can do to help get her back.

"Are you okay?" I ask, turning my head to look at her and I notice her shoulders shaking slightly, she shakes her head as her bottom lip quivers and tears pool in her eyes. I've been so sucked into my own head that I didn't even take the time to ask her this simple question, and I can tell that she needed me to, she's been so strong in front of Finn and Alice, trying to not freak them out even more than they already are, but even herself is still in shock from all of this.