Ephemeral //H.S

Chapter 33

Play the song now.

-Harry Styles-

"Harry I already checked!"

I hear Devon shout from behind me as I burst through my front door, the door almost coming off of its hinges when it slams against the wall, but I don't care. I don't care about what she's saying, or about what anyone else is saying because my pulse is the only thing I can hear.

"Belle!" I shout, stomping through the living room, kitchen, I check the boys' rooms and bathrooms. Out of breath I run down the stairs, not even hearing everyone's voices from behind me and not even seeing them as I go straight towards my room.

She has to be there, she just as to be.

The door flies open and my eyes frantically search the entire bedroom, seeing the bed still undone, and her book still on my nightstand. I walk further into the room and suddenly everything is quiet, way too quiet, and it feels like my eyes are drawn to something on my desk.

I notice a rectangular shaped thing wrapped in brown paper, and tied with a small rope. Walking to it I take it in my shaky hand, but something else catches my eye. My name in her perfect handwriting, written on a piece of paper folded in two.

My brows furrow and I swallow with difficulty the lump in my throat as I unfold it, with my heart pounding against my ribcage so hard that it's almost painful.

"Harry, baby...

If you're reading this, that means that I'm already gone.

There aren't enough words available in this world that would help me tell you how much you mean to me, how much I love you. And there aren't enough words that could help me tell you how sorry I am for doing this.

You came into my life at a moment where I needed you the most, even if I didn't realize it at first, you were there for me even when you didn't even know you were. I was probably at one of the lowest points of my life, but then you walked into my dull life and changed everything.

From helping me carry a plant to actually saving me, being there for me when I was too scared to be alone even if we didn't really know each other, watching movies with me until I would fall asleep, or holding onto me during my worst nights, through nightmare and tears you never let go. You didn't let go when I would talk about my family, about my past and the things that have happened to me. And I had promised myself to never let you go.

But from the moment we met, there was always this dark cloud over me. A cloud filled with past mistakes, mistakes that weren't mine but that created consequences that are going to follow me all my life. Which is the reason why I tried so hard to stay away from you for so long, I didn't want to care about anyone else because I was aware that I would have to hurt them at some point, I already had so much to lose but you didn't know. You didn't know when you made me fall for you, when you became one of the most important people in my life.

Before we even became close, I was planning on leaving everything behind, on leaving my family because I knew that staying here, and staying close to them would only hurt them even more. When I received that letter my parents had left for me it felt like the world shattered around me, but I made it my mission to keep everyone safe, to make sure that Giorgio or even Roman wouldn't hurt my family, so I knew that leaving everyone behind to be safe was my only option. I only want to do something, to be the one to help for once, because I don't think you realize just how much you have helped me. I just want to do that for you too.

I knew, the second I fell in love with you that I would eventually hurt you too, but I couldn't help myself. The way you talked to me, the way you looked at me, the way yours arms would wrap around me, the way you kissed me with so much passion, it felt like all your love was radiating against me, like I was finally being cared for, it felt so unreal that I questioned its authenticity so many times, I wondered if I deserved any of it, if I was worthy of you and your love and to this day I know that I never would be. I was being so selfish.