"Why can't you sleep?" I ask a simple question.
Silence, it only lasts a minute or two but feels like ages.
"Because everytime I close my eyes I see you leaving my bed in the middle of the night, I hear you breathing through the telephone, your sile...
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-Lucy Urbinati-
Day 23
It's been 10 days since I left grandma's house, and ever since I feel like the pace of my life as only been going faster and faster. I'm still in California for now but I left San Francisco because everywhere I went in that city just felt like I was back in high school, in college, and it was just too hard to stay there. The only reason I had decided to go see her in the first place was to get Harley and then leave. But I made the decision to leave him with her, because he'll be much happier living a stable life than being on the run with me, and taking him with me would have been just too selfish, besides if I did take him, if anything were to happen to me he would be left all alone. And i've already been selfish enough lately.
I stayed at her house for the night because that day was really fucking draining, I was still hungover and had been driving nonstop, and then when I got there the emotions of seeing her again were a lot as well, but then we started to talk, and to catch up. She had so many questions about all those months I was at the house, and when I wouldn't talk to her because I was so mad, and also sad about everything she hid from me. But everything she told me that afternoon just cleared everything, she explained why she hid all of this from me and I understood her reasoning. So when she asked me about my life of course I had to tell her, no matter how hard it was.
I told her about the letter, about almost being kidnapped, and about Harry. She was so happy for me, that I had found him and that he made me happy, that he took such good care of me, and that we were in love. And of course all of that only resulted in me crying my heart out, again. It was so hard to talk to her about the best thing that had ever happened to me, about all of those happy moments knowing that these few months were all I was going to get, to that it was my only shot at happiness and that it would never happen again because now he probably hates me so much. She tried to comfort me, to tell me that we'll find each other again and it would all be okay but I know better. I know that from now on my life can only go downhill, and that there is no way he'll want to hear from me ever again. If I even make it until the end.
He's probably moved on now, I hope for his sake that he did because I would hate if he was hurting right now. I hope that he's staying focused on his job, that maybe he found someone else, someone better than me and that he's happy with that person. No matter how bad it hurts to think about him with anyone else than me, to think that he could find happiness in someone else, in the end I just want him to forget about me and be happy. And no matter how hard I try to convince myself that this was the best thing to do, and to move on, every time I close my eyes he's still the only thing I can see.
He stars in all of my dreams like a ghost, his face haunts me day and night, his smiles, the sound of his voice, the smell of his cologne as if it was lingering in the air that I breathe everywhere I go. Every time I sleep, all of my dreams consists of a made up life with him that I will never get to live. I imagine him coming out of the swimming pool while running his fingers through his wet hair before kissing me and hugging me just to put water all over my clothes to make me laugh, our backyard in the background where Harley is running around like crazy, I imagine him holding onto me as we sleep with the windows of our house in the countryside open, because summers in France can be excruciatingly hot, but still we would sleep against each other. I imagine him humming a song to himself while reading a book, or taking pictures of me around the house.
