Saved By A Mikaelson (Loving a Mikaelson AU)

Chapter 22: My Secrets

hey this chapter could be triggering so don't read if you don't need to be

ha I write most of these chapters before school XD

now I don't have school oops

Chapter 22: My Secrets

Song: Even My Dad Does Sometimes- Ed Sheeran

"The thing with broken clocks is you can always tell exactly when they stopped ticking. With people it isn't so easy. And sometimes, you can't even tell they're broken."

+ + + + +

Today consisted of laughs. There were smiles and kisses and so many little hugs and jokes.

I feel really happy. More than I can ever remember feeling in my entire life. Even though sometimes it seems like I do every thing wrong, Kol does exactly eveything right. He makes me smile so much. And yes, I worry over it. I worry I won't ever be anough when he is bright like the sun and I am the storm and the rain. I've always been taught if it's too good to be true, it probably is. I've learned that lesson the hard way.

I don't want this to be fake. I don't want him to be fake. And I'm terrified that's he's a lie or some dream. I'm terrified I never woke up from my coma, and he's that he's just something my mind has made up. I'm terrified that things "won't end well for us," like he said. I don't think I can take any more of that.

My life is hanging by a string. If something happens between us, will he send me away? Will he put me out on the streets? I still can't get that conversation he had with his brother, on that very first night, out of my mind.

A girl named Caroline. Multiple death threats. Compulsion.

I've written all those things down on a piece of paper and hidden it in my shoe, to make sure I don't forget.

That's not the only thing hidden inside my shoe, and it's not the only thing I'll take out tonight.

But back to today. 

How can Kol be so genuine? Real and true and happy? It just doesn't seem possible. Am I so far gone that I can't let myself be happy? Does he really care that much? And why?

He talks like he knows all about me. Everything. Every little secret and every hidden agenda. He acts like it's written across my face, like it's obvious. I feel like I'm John Watson and he, Sherlock Holmes, deducing my entire life before my eyes. All he really knows about me - with the exception of all the paperwork and files on me when I was 'discharged,' that I've told him, is that I'm a girl he found on the side of the road that isn't as happy and put together as she appears to be.

Sure, things have slipped out sometimes.

But I've never been transparent about anything. And god, he's practically opaque. 

So how could he possibly know? 

I'm completely clueless and helpless and as hard as I rack my brain for an answer, I keep coming up short. He really could be Sherlock Holmes with that snide attitude for all I know.

Because otherwise none of the other pieces are making any sense. He isn't making sense. My life is a jumbled up mess and so is my head and I can't pull out common sense let alone the answer to how people tick.

To how Kol ticks.

He's full of innuendos and flirty remarks, and secrets that could fill a house. I'm not any closer to knowing how he thinks or who he is than I am to heaven's door. Which, let me tell you, I'm not going anywhere soon.

So now after hours of thinking alone in my bed, I start to get tired. I yawn. I stretch. I should go to sleep, but why turn off the lights and lay there only to lie awake until early hours of the morning? I can't fall asleep at a decent hour to save my life. No matter how hard I try.

It's on rare occasions I fall asleep before the sun even comes up, as sad as that sounds.

So I leave the lamp on and sit on my bed, my arms wrapped around my legs. 

I have a habit of losing myself when I think. I can tune everything out, even myself. I think too much about things, too hard. I over think and over examine and I really can't help it. 

I think about Kol too much, I study and study and study. Maybe I'm afraid if I don't memorize every single piece of him that I can, I won't be able to remember when he leaves.

Because he will. Everyone does. I'm tired of not expecting it, only to be surprised every single time.

I'd never believed people when they said how much its hurts to have your heart broken. I'd always thought: "but that won't happen. Not to me."

Until it was me lying on my bathroom floor with mascara running down my face, gasping for air, crying.

Now I don't believe so much anymore.

But I haven't just had my heart broken. 

I've had it torn to fucking shreds.

And everytime I think I don't have one, I turn out to be wrong when it's pulled out again.

I haven't just had my heart broken.

I've had my soul broken.

And thinking about that, thinking about everything, really makes it hard to breathe. It hurts so much I can't function. And maybe I'm hyperventilating but I can't tell because I think the voices in my head are far too loud. Maybe I'm dying and maybe I'm so empty I don't know what feeling again is even like. Maybe that's why I'm so scared of ever loving another person,

Maybe I'm crying, but I can't tell because my chest is moving up and down.

I can feel the sobs that rack my body and I cover my mouth. I don't want to wake anyone.

I know there are people who have it worse than me. So call me a coward or a baby or a worthless waste of space.

Because that's what I already feel like. I already know.

 How can I reach someone else's standards when I can't even reach my own?

It just hurts.

And as I'm going completely crazy, there is only one thing that will calm me down.

So I'm just sorry.

I'm sorry that it came to this.

I promised. I really did promise myself I wouldn't. For him. I don't want him to know. I don't want him to look at me with pity because I don't think I could stand it without wanting to actually kill myself.

My hands shake when I take off my shoe, and take it out from under the sole. But I'm not sorry when I feel it in my hands.

When I feel the fucking relief.

But god knows I should be sorry.

I will be sorry. 

GUYS ONCE UPON A TIME COMES ON TOMORROW I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE IF ANY OF YOU WATCH IT PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT SO WE CAN FANGIRL TOGETHER LIKE RIGHT NOW OKAY YES

I'M SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SAD BUT ILY K 

Loves, 

Molliex