Saved By A Mikaelson (Loving a Mikaelson AU)

Chapter 2: Voices

*THIS STORY IS GOING TO HAVE ABUSE, DEPRESSION, SELF-HARM, ETC. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT I SUGGEST YOU RETHINK READING THIS STORY. SORRY.*

Also it might sound somewhat poetic and a little less grammatically correct but it's supposed to okay

Chapter 2: Voices

Song: Because of You- Kelly Clarkson

"I feel like I'm sleepwalking and I can't wake myself up."

-Mary Stewart (Reign)

+ + + + +

I hear every step I take as my foot hits the sidewalk. I hear my heartbeat. And I'm alone. It's so cold and I'm so tired of walking even though I've been doing this ever since I was a little girl.

And maybe I'm not just tired of walking maybe I'm tired of everything and maybe I'm just sick of breathing and waking up and having to get through and I know I sound so weak that it makes me sick but I don't know how much more I can take and I hate the feeling of helplessness. 

I hate the weakness and the pain and the breaking of my heart and the cracking of my lungs.

I hate walking back to where it all started every single day and not always having a choice in whether I live or die.

And I hate whispering help me when no one is near enough to hear me but at the same time not really wanting someone to trouble themself to get me at of my own mess and my tangled peace of mind. 

I hate myself.

I really do.

And I'm not trying to be poetic or 'tragically beautiful.' It's not beautiful what I am and what I do to myself. It's not lovely how I am tortured daily by my own thoughts. 

It shouldn't be romanticized at all. It's just sad. I'm constantly sad and I can't do anything about it and I can't be saved and I don't want to be. I don't want to bring anyone down with me.

I can hear the silence and the gravel crunching under my feet and when I'm alone and all to myself I am not attacked by others, I'm attacked by myself.

I don't even know how this started. The self-loathing and agony. Maybe I was always like this, I don't know. I don't have that many problems at school, or at least not like I used to. I'm just invisible now. Which I'm okay with most of the time.

I'm not invisible at home.

I don't have any bullies anymore, but that may be because of my quiet presence and the long sleeves. 

I'm not attacked. Not physically. But as I walk my head is breaking me down from the inside out. I'm insane.

And then I find myself curled in a ball on the street. I just cry. I'm scraped up and empty and I don't care. All I can do is lay there while my mind eats up at me.

go home to your daddy.

you're weak and worthless.

get up. you are too disgusting to be pitied.

ugly. pointless. a waste. hideous. undeserving. ungrateful.

kill yourself and get it over with.

I sob because I'm going mad. I sob because I'm insane. And when I hear the sound of tires and the lights I don't move. I don't feel anymore. Only pain.

I wait for it to come. I wait for it to be over. I'm almost surprised at myself. I don't usually get this far. I'm too much of a coward. I feel my tearstained cheeks wet my arms. 

But it isn't over. My eyes are closed and I don't open them. Even when I feel the skin of another. Even when I'm lifted and carried and laid onto the itchy, cool grass. I only see black. I wonder if I'm dead. I only hear the sound of fading footsteps before the dark of what must be slumber draws me in. 

I hope I'm dead.

+ + + + +

I know I'm alive when I wake up in my yard at nightfall. I'm sure I didn't walk here. Positive. Either way it won't matter when I walk inside my house and my father beats me for being late. I push myself up into a sitting position. I glance up at the stars.

They sparkle and gleam every night. I oppose them in every way. At night is when I am the dullest. I have no color in the late hours, no life. It's been ripped from me. 

I'm tired of feeling empty, but I can't change it. I can't even help myself.

I believe the voices in my head. I believe it. I am worthless.

Yeah this story is gonna be hella sad. But it's also going to be honest. Sorry not sorry. 

Leave some nice feedback tho ??

Molliex