Saved By A Mikaelson (Loving a Mikaelson AU)

Chapter 18: Losing Control

I'M SORRY THIS IS LATE I'M AT MY FRIEND'S AND I FORGOT TO POST SORRYSORRYSORRY

Chapter 18: Losing Control

Song: Drown- Front Porch Step Cover by FreeFrickenHugs

"Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist and if they did I wouldn't be one of them."

-Sherlock

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We're driving back home, after many of my mumbles to him had been used, varying from "I hate you" to "stalker." You know, the usual. Or at least as usual as possible in our... Situation.

Kol frustrates me. He makes me question the things that normally I wouldn't even think twice about. He makes me rethink things that I would never even bother to worry over. I don't like it.

He drives me crazy and he makes me murderous and maybe that scares me. I can't control myself around him. Sometimes I have to hold my breath to keep the emotions from slipping out of me. My heart is racing and my mind is whirring around all because I'm in his stupid car driving back to his stupid house and his stupid kiss won't get out of my head.

What was I supposed to do?

I convince myself that if I had pulled away from Kol's embrace, Britt and Amanda would've thought I was a liar on top of all the other things they think of me. So really, I was just playing along. I didn't enjoy the kiss, I was only pretending. That's what people do, they pretend. That's all it was.It won't happen again.

"You could say thank you, you know." Kol smirks. "Those girls will never bother you again. Besides, you can deny it all you want, you enjoyed it."

"I do not need to thank you for anything. First of all, there are plenty of ways we could've handled that. You chose that way because you wanted to take advantage of me. I was just playing along. That's all I was doing. Besides, I was doing fine on my own, I didn't need your help."

"You did need my help. They made a fool of you. Regardless, you didn't do anything you didn't want to do, I wasn't in any way taking advantage. You wanted it too."

"I did not." I argue, my temper increasing.

"You really aren't as good of a liar as you seem to believe. I see through you. You can't lie to me. Do you think shutting people out is any way to live your life? It isn't living at all. I've been around a long time, I would know."

"Oh, really?" I'm practically on fire, my eyes burn red. He's piecing apart all that I am, he's changing my perspectives and views. It sets me on edge.

"Yes, really. Do you think people like that are happy? Do you think they can love? Just let me in, darling. My intent is pure. Can't you see that? What reason would I have to lie to you?"

"That's the question I have asked myself over and over and yet everyone I have ever met destroyed me!" 

The car is silent, even Kol is speechless for a moment. So I continue:

"Did it ever occur to you that I can't risk getting left alone again? Because then I'll really have no one. I can't take anymore."

"I won't leave you."

"You say that now." I mumble. 

"I'll say it always!" He counters. "You can hate me for the rest of your life, and you can tear me apart in pieces but I will always keep you safe and I will always be here. For decades, centuries, I will have you and no one will dare touch you. Sweetheart..."

I just shake my head, brushing him away. "Then tell me, Kol. Is it me? Am I the reason people always leave?! Am I that easy to forget? What is so wrong with me that everyone can leave so easily?"

"Lacey..." He whispers. He says my name so genuinely, so sadly. I shouldn't hate myself this much, I suppose. But I can't help how I feel.

"Nothing was ever your fault. Listen to me, nothing is wrong with you. Those people, they didn't see you. But I do."

"I am not a broken toy that needs mending, Kol."

"I'm not trying to fix you."

"You are." I argue. "You are trying to be 'that guy.'"

"And what type of guy is that?"

"The guy in the movies and the books! The guy that saves the girl from everything, maybe even herself. The knight who slays the dragon, the Romeo, the guy who says 'I love you' every night. But those are just fairytales. It doesn't happen in real life. Guys aren't genuine, they're rude or vicious and they'll tear girls' hearts from their chests for their own sadistic pleasure. You aren't my Romeo or my charming or my knight. I'm not a princess or a damsel in distress. I'm a fucked up girl who has long since lost her mind. I can't get it back and I can't stop hating myself for that!"

I'm yelling and shouting and I want to hit myself for all the words that came from my mouth. They're hinting at all my secrets and they're the threshold that lies before my darkened doorstep. The secrets no one is supposed to know.

"I'm sorry for losing control. I shouldn't have said any of that." I cover my hands with my eyes, taking deep quiet breaths to calm my breathing and my heartbeat. 

"Is that really what you think?" Kol asks, staring in the distance, deep in thought. Then his eyes meet mine, the warm brown colour nearly transports me to another world, and I have to struggle to stay in this one. "That men, they'll always ruin you? Do you think no one can ever love you?"

"I don't know." I mumble. "That's what's always happened, why should any of it change now?"

He doesn't answer, so I keep going. "Do you know what it's like? To constantly feel like you're choking, like your throat is closing in like the rest of the world? Do you know what it's like to take caution at the sight of happiness to keep from being hurt again?" 

"I can't say that I do."

"Good." I whisper. "You don't want to feel what I feel."

And I know now I've practucally given away everything that I hide, and nothing. I can't take it back. He knows too much and maybe I don't care. But I've also given him every single weapon to kill me.