Saved By A Mikaelson (Loving a Mikaelson AU)

Chapter 16: Overthinking

Disclaimer: There are quite a few quotes in this chapter that I found from tumblr. I don't own them :)

Chapter 16: Overthinking

Song: Catch Me- Demi Lovato

"They say every atom in our bodies was once a part of a star. Maybe I'm not leaving maybe I'm going home."

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As soon as I close the car door behind me and slide in that passenger seat, a tsunami or flashbacks and memories came rushing back to me. All the times I've been in here and never once did I think I'd ever return. Yet, I was wrong every time.

Kol has become this new sort of force, a change on my life. He pulls and he tugs at me, makes me change myself and my view on the world. He's shaken me. My entire universe. I can feel myself coming attached - which is why I can't help but to push back, to push him away.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm too afraid to love or care. I'm sorry I'm too afraid to be hurt by anyone except myself. I'm sorry I can't believe I don't believe him when he says he cares because I don't believe in anyone anymore and I'm sorry that I'm not who the world wanted me to be. I'm not who I wanted to be either. I'm not good enough for him or my family or my friends. I'm not good enough for myself.

I feel like the world is closing in on me and I'm just so tired all the time. I'm not just tired from exhaustion, I'm tired from living and from waking up and from breathing every fucking day of my life when I don't want to anymore. I know it's bad when I wake up in the mornings and the only thing I look forward to is going back to bed. I know I'm getting worse not better and maybe the saddest part of all is I don't even care anymore.

"Lacey?"

I blink. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Fine."

It's funny how just getting into this stupid car has made me feel so worthless and I'm already in over my head even though my world feels like it isn't turning I'm going so fast I feel dizzy and I can't slow down. I don't remember what it's like to sleep, no matter how ofter I say I'm going to bed, and don't fucking touch me because I'll probably shatter and for god's sake don't ask me what is the matter.

"This is the part where you make conversation. Car trips are supposed to be fun, love." Kol jokes as the car speeds along, brushing his hand against my shoulder. I jump, cringing like he's killed me. I feel lost, and he's looking at me worriedly like he's hurt me. Maybe I wasn't paying attention and he startled me or maybe I just don't want to get close or maybe my mind is racing with thoughts like poison and maybe I can't stand myself anymore.

"Sorry." I say softly. "I'm a little tired."

He laughs. "You weren't so tired when you were sneaking around in my house."

I smile.

He peels his gaze away from the road, long enough to catch my eye. "There it is." He grins.

"There's what?"

But he only shakes his head, that wide smile still on his face and a smirk trails behind. He's so happy. So light and free and fun.

I'm not. I hurt people. I taint their form with my negativity and fog their light with my shadow. The glint in my eyes has long been taken but Kol's beam is much like the sun's. And I vow to myself that if anything happens I won't take that away from him.

I won't steal it.

Just because I am dark doesn't mean he has to be. So I linger in my shadows still, I won't allow him to hurt me and I won't let him change his perspective of me. He can never know what goes on in my head at two a.m. or when I'm lost within myself. Late nights are no longer for sleeping, they're for crying and over-thinking and he can't know. Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed.

Even here, with the sounds of his laughter and the treading tires, the mask stays on.

Sorry guys for the lack of diologue and well, length. I'm trying :)

Also I know some of you probably think Lacey is a little bipolar. But that's just kind of how it is sometimes. You know when you're fine one minute and the next you're in pieces? That's what she's going through.

I had a really high fever yesterday and now my stomach and throat feel like I've swallowed a decent amount of batteries so you guys need to wash your hands and all that stuff. Being sick sucks you don't want it, trust me.

Stay healthy haha.

Loves,

Mollie x