Finding Harry

36. Finding The Storm

Every day, every moment, every second I spend in this town I feel myself changing. Becoming accustomed to the way things work here and the person I am changing as I adjust.

Not turning into who I was before I started doing drugs but an extension of both her and the person I have become over the past couple of years combined together.

I've tried to ignore it. To pretend it wasn't happening. To act as if when I return to Seattle I will simply revert back into the person I was. I don't think it's going to be so simple anymore.

That terrifies me.

Knowing that when I go back I will have to face the destruction I left behind. How damaged my relationship with my parents has become because of me and how they will never be able to look at me like I'm just their innocent little girl ever again.

The strain my lifestyle put on my friendship with Sam even though they never complained, everything they did for me wasn't fair. I shouldn't have let them take on that level responsibility. They stood by me through all of it, holding my hair back when I was sick with a hangover, making sure I drank enough water. As well as Helping me home when I was blackout drunk and high, making sure I didn't topple over onto the subway tracks.

I'd never said anything but I saw the way they looked at me a few weeks before I overdosed, the constant worry and grief behind their eyes. I thought Sam had just been over reacting, I thought I was completely alright. I wasn't.

I realise that it's all my fault, I know that now. Part of me wishes I had never accepted the first line of cocaine I was ever offered, I can't change the past thought so I refuse to let myself dwell on it.

The gravity of my actions never really set in until today. I don't know why my brain decided today was the day I needed to have a revelation. But I can't be mad at myself for realising what I needed to know in order to get better.

Because that's what I want to do. My name is Harry Townsend and honestly and truly, I want to be sober for the rest of how my life. However short that may be. Lord knows I've done enough for my body to barely make it through my thirties.

Drugs and the thought of losing myself in them will always be looming over me. But the difference between me now and me before Florida, Is now I realise that I am something worth fighting for.

In Seattle I was cold, everything was cold and grey. In Florida I'm warm, well as warm as someone like me can be. Things are brighter and I don't want things to become dull again so I hope more than anything when I go back to the Seattle I bring some if not all of this warmth with me.

I want to stay warm forever.

The sight of Ray's truck coming down my street brings me out of my thoughts, I grin excitedly. Normally I'm not one for surprises anymore but I trust Ray. I jump up, not bothering to brush down my low waisted brown corduroy jeans before head over.

"Morning Eddie" I pat the truck on it's hood as it comes to a stop next to me, Looking up I catch Ray looking at me while he laughs slightly "Morning to you too I guess" I shrug smiling, going round and getting into the passenger seat.

"Someone's in a good mood" Ray immediately starts driving again, glancing at me every so often with a grin on his face.

"What can I say, You're rubbing off on me. Guess we're both weird morning people now" Crossing my legs on the car seat I turn myself round so the front of me is facing Ray and the back of my head is leaning slightly out the opened window.

"Well in that case" He goes to turn on the radio, I grimace when the truck fills with the sound of Ray's music and he starts singing along. Loudly. "Come on I know you know the words".