I have this terrible habit.
That annoys people around me.
When I was 6, I had a pet hamster with an adorable cheek.
It was so cute to the point that I simply adore it.
I'd hurry home to feed it some sunflower seeds and watch it's cheeks puff up.
I cared for it as if it was the most precious and adorable thing on earth.
I thought things were going fine but one day, I came home late and saw it gone.
I panicked and flipped the house upside down just searching for it.
When I found him, I immediately held it tight.
I was scared that I'd lose it again so I held it tightly in my hands.
It kept squirming and it pissed me off so I gripped it tighter.
"It's for your own good.
Stop struggling."
When I returned him to the cage, it wasn't moving anymore.
That's when I realized that I tend to break things that slipped away from me.
Why? What did I do wrong? All I did was to protect you so how did this happen?
I thought I didn't protect it enough and it felt like I didn't deserve another one so eventually I stopped taking pets.
When I was 12, I learned my lesson and I kept the things I value hidden so they won't break.
I wasn't caring for pets anymore, instead I collected dolls.
I had an obsession towards it, as long as I put them in the shelf.
They won't run, they won't break and they'd always smile.
They were so pretty.
So pretty that I won't get tired staring at them for a whole day.
I won't even play with it and I'd just STARE.
The school told us to bring our favorite toy so I brought my most adored doll.
There was this girl in my class who always borrow my things.
I let her do as she please even if she doesn't return it 'cause I didn't care.
I've given her most of the things I have because she want it.
She approached me again today and said, "Can I have your doll?"
"No."
She aggressively started crying, yelling and screaming around.
Claiming that the doll I had was hers and that I took it away from her.
Of course, no one believed her. Everyone knew what a petty little thief she is.
They always saw how she'd "borrow" my things.
The whole class glared at her but no one said anything and kept their mouth shut.
But their thoughts were obviously leaking out.
She won't stop whining so the teacher called our parents.
Her dumb mother kept screaming at me that I was disrespectful, rude, blah blah bastard of a child I am.
The teacher looked at me, she wasn't speaking but she's practically saying, "You'd pretty much given her everything so why cause a scene now? Can't you just give it to her like you always do?"
My eyes twitched and a thought crept into my head.
IF I CAN'T HAVE IT, THEN NO ONE CAN.
I took my doll's clothes, ripped and tear it apart.
I broke the doll's body, stepped on it, tore each limb and pull out it's head.
I held the girl's hand and put the doll's head on her palm.
I gave her the kindest smile I have.
"You can have it. It's yours now."
Everyone went silent and she started screaming even louder than before.
Her mother who looked so shocked slapped me.
In response, my first reflex was to grab my teacher's pen and stab her mother in the eye.
Now two of them were crying
But can you blame me?
I panicked and her eyes were the first thing I saw so I put it there.
Now I'm 16, it wasn't dolls nor animals that I treasured.
I have friends.
The first friend I have called me clingy so I kept my distance because I was afraid that she'd also suffocate if I held her too tightly but she forgot me.
Whenever I have friends, they always seem so precious, fragile and rare so I never let them go.
If they try to leave me, I break them.
This bad habit of mine consumed me and poisoned my brain.
Remember that time, I told you how useless I feel when I'm with you?
That wasn't true and yes you were right.
To begin with, it has never been your fault.
I didn't want to lose you so I broke you.
It's disgusting and scary, isn't it?
Why does things never work the way I want it to be?
All I wanted to do was protect the things I love.
But I'd always break them from holding it too hard
Or it would always slipped away from my hands.
If you understand then run away before I completely destroy you.
