I wake up every morning with complete proper sleep yet somehow every time I wake up, I still find myself tired as if I weren't sleeping at all. It has always been the same day, same faces, same places, and a never-ending routine that I'll have to repeat until the day that I lose my breath. Every time I think of going to school it makes me tired knowing that when I arrive there I will also be tired from going and being there. Just moving the chair and trying to sit down is exhausting especially knowing that you'll be sitting in that very same chair for 6 hours straight. I try to desperately stay awake and listen to what the teacher is saying at the front but I still find it tiring knowing that these things will be useless in the future. Knowing the difference between prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells won't help me know how to save my salary and pay the tax.
I also find it tiring doing group projects knowing that dancing, singing, painting, and acting is not what I inspire to be in the future however these are what they teach us. And whenever we actually try to be a dancer, a painter or a singer, just like what they always make us do, they reply and say it's impossible because we won't make a future out of it or that it only gives us little money, but teacher, I thought you told us to follow our dreams? Now that we're actually pursuing it, why are you trying to stop us? Is it truly because you're worried about us or is it because you've never achieved yours?
Doing group projects are also extremely exhausting if you're in the same group with people you hate and dislike especially if they hate you too and they happen to be the leader and most of your members are friends with them because you know no matter how hard your effort is, it won't be counted so you have to kiss up to their asses just so that they'll take pity on you since, in the end, they're in charge and they have the power to whether pass or fail you because most of the percentage in your grade will be decided by THESE group work and project. It's also hard to do these kinds of things when you're not comfortable, awkward, shy and not used to the presence of other people since nowadays people are judged by how good they are at socializing.
Studying is also tiring because when you actually do they say you don't, whether you're lying or not. The motivation that you had will be depleted and decrease back as it was before and even if you start studying there are some people who start to have expectations at you and when they do, you know that you have to fulfill them because they'll be disappointed in you. They won't say it but it'll be obvious in their faces and actions. The way they treat you will start to change and knowing that you'll have to carry around this so-called expectation on you it will increase the weight and the burden of the things that your feeling.
On my way home, I found myself tired because I know that when I enter the house it will still be tiring. People at that place raising their voices as if no one can hear them, having arguments that seem to be endless and me being in either the center of it all or the cause of it even if didn't do anything, somehow I'll find their fingers pointing at me saying that it's my fault. It's making me tired having to go through all this, I know that it's normal but I just find it very tiring.
Whenever I try to think a solution and realizing that despite all of it I will still have to go through all of these has left me tired.
Somehow, I also began to start thinking that it's becoming tiring with my friends. Not that I'm bored with them but rather trying to deal with them and understand how they feel without even regarding mine, claiming things I didn't care or notice what they feel. You see, when I'm with them I always smile because they were the only thing that could calm me and the only people I can be open with and have a rest because like I've said I find myself constantly tired, however, I am...
Slowly becoming more exhausted. I smile for them because I feel like it, I have this feeling and odd sense of responsibility that it's my job to make them smile and laugh because when I do, it also makes me happy nonetheless I am slowly failing at that job, my smile is becoming crooked what's more it seems that I have been causing them distressed and pain so, for now, I'll step away.
What I desire the most at this moment is to be in solitude. Having time to myself to sort my thoughts and feelings seems like the best way to take a rest for me. I need to rest because one day, I'm scared that I will also get tired of living. So rest please let me take a rest. I'm just tired.
