I am known as the happy pill. The one that makes people so happy just being around them. Make them laugh, smile and happy just by smiling too.
They call me the "happy pill." It was nice and pleasant to hear. It felt like an honor to be granted such a name, as a happy pill because you were one of the reasons why they were smiling and happy.
At first, I felt delighted and entitled to receive an incredible compliment.
However, I didn't know I would come to curse and hate it one day.
Of course, it was an honor but... just like they said: " To every blessing, there's always a curse."
I feel glad that I also make them happy just by smiling but I didn't even think about what would they feel when I wasn't. It was such a beautiful curse. The atmosphere and mood of everyone depended on me.
Just think about it, I was known for being always happy but I'm not perfect. I know that they know and understand that I am not happy all the time but it hurts...
It pains me so much to see them be affected by how I act and what I feel. The only reason as to why I'm smiling in the first place was because they were also happy. I sincerely appreciate and enjoy their company but I'm not all rainbows and colors.
Yes! I know that you know I'm not perfect but whenever I'm sad or not in the right mood, I also see them feeling what I feel, it hurts me even more.
I don't want you to feel that way. I don't want you to be affected. I don't want you to feel my pain and sadness. You may say, it's better when you share it with someone but no.
It's not.
Tell me, would you like your loved ones to feel the pain that you feel? For them to suffer because they also see you suffer yet they feel so helpless and powerless? No, of course not.
That's why being the "happy pill" wasn't so happy anymore. It just stopped and became tiring. It felt like a burden I have to carry because it depended on me. Instead of being natural it became more of a requirement.
There are times I wanna cry, hate, rant, complain and be alone. It just feels so different when I'm the one doing it especially since I am known as the happy pill.
Rather than being a happy pill, I felt more like a drug that everyone needed and is addicted to. Something that makes everyone so high and happy yet I slowly kill myself along with them. I torture myself keeping it all in and I make them suffer by involving them to my own emotions and mess.
I was more like a "happy pill" that a psychologist recommended to a patient. I make them happy but only temporarily. I make them smile on the surface however it gets worse and worse on the inside and nothing really changes. I don't provide and give a cure. I am only a pill used to prevent from letting other people see as to what's really happening.
The term happy pill was supposed to be happy, however, it became suffocating and scary to hear those words.
It became a shackle and a responsibility that I can't escape from. I was forced to smile and be happy. They didn't know that it became a struggle for me but I do not blame them for that. It was more on me and to what I'm feeling. Because I, me, myself know how hard it is to deal with someone like me. My actions are unreasonable and childish. I won't deny it. I just hope that they'll understand and forgive me for all the actions that I've done.
