How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Vintage Shopping

Like vintage clothes? SAME, friend. SAME. Find shopping for true vintage to be lowkey a nightmare sometimes, especially if you're a larger human (or at least by 1940s standards)? Hey, I GET IT. Ever found yourself haunted by the original owner of a garment because you washed it improperly and it turns out they were really uptight about it and then you had to unhaunt yourself and now you want to prevent that from happening again? TWINSIES.

Starting to get into vintage and not a damn clue what I'm talking about? Keep reading and I'll tell you the rules, at least what I've learned so far.

Bring a tape measure. There's a mundane reason for this, that vintage sizes are wonky, but the real reason is because it's accessible to both you and, um, others. You can see it, so if it begins stretching, or suddenly tears without cause or the numbers suddenly fade, then it's not for you. I don't care how cute is. Or how nice you think it'll fit. Leave it.

"Others" is a loose term I use for the various lurking entities that might be attached to an old garment/accessory you're considering or building you're in - the previous owner(s), the seamstress, the pattern maker, the fabric maker, past employees, and more. If you're in a hundred-year-old building or trying on 70-year-old dress, odds are pretty good the original owner or at the very least someone involved in its creation is dead. The odds are much, much lower that they care about you or the thing, but not zero.

If you start hearing voices or old music when you touch something, leave it. If you are wearing an item and this happens, follow the instructions and/or honor the context.
3a. If you are you are wearing a letterman jacket and you hear cheering crowds, find something to throw (that won't break). I suggest your wallet-probably sturdy, maybe zipped up, and easy to reclaim. If you don't throw something, you will get thrown.
3b. If it's a floofy skirt and you hear music, old-school dancing of any sort is fine, but spinning seems to delight the Others particularly. Don't fall though, because you won't get up.
3c. If you are wearing anything pre-1920, two things. First, DO NOT TEAR ANYTHING, VICTORIAN GHOSTS DO NOT SCREW AROUND. Second, curtsy and introduce yourself with your name and home location. Failure to do so runs the risk of opening a door to a 19th-century etiquette class that may never end.

I mentioned this already but follow the wash instructions. The seamstress in 1957 who made the blouse might just have really strong feelings on the matter.

Be really careful in your shapewear purchases.

If you know the provenance of something, introduce yourself to the original and most recent owner(s) the first time you use/wear. Not necessary for every time, and probably not necessary for most things, but you know, better safe than sorry.

You may not see yourself in the mirror. You may see someone else in the mirror. Either way, change back to your clothes. Bring the item to the staff and tell them. It's safe to come back a different day, but give it a week or so to make sure whatever Other thing was involved loses interest in you.

Don't touch the mirrors.

If you try on a piece of mourning jewelry and can't get it off, I can't help you.

Others aren't necessarily dead-they might be previous versions, like the 19-year old bride version of a now 80-something grandma. They can also be quite benevolent, but ya know, hedge your bets and be nice.

If #7 happens with multiple items, change into your own clothing, and alert the staff immediately. Follow all instructions, although it may not help.

If an area is blocked off by the staff, respect that. Don't reach in to grab that super cute skirt. Especially if it has purple polka dots.

Don't offer any rides or accept any hitchhikers unless you're ready for a truly bizarre and definitely dangerous day.