How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Safe Grocery Shopping

If you read my list about staying safe while shopping and gone about to enact them, you've probably worked up an appetite for doing so. Even if you haven't, and have been dutifully sitting at home waiting for the after-times to be a thing, the one place that is almost universally sanctioned as acceptable to visit is the grocery store. While there are safety things to keep in mind in the now-times for reasons I'll let the CDC handle, there's still a myriad of problems at your local grocery that are a little, um, beyond the jurisdiction of health departments (although six feet distance is an excellent policy for supranatural reasons too). I'm here to lay out the other guidelines for groceries, so you can get in and get out without becoming something's next meal.

Social distance is a good thing for mundane reasons. It's also a good thing otherwise - for giving yourself a head start. Masks are also good at preventing things from entering via your mouth.

Trying new fruit is good. Trying new fruit with labels exclusively in a strange language that hurts to read aloud is bad.

Self-checkout may be convenient, but be careful in your scanning. If a barcode appears on your arm, do NOT scan it.

If the expiration date on an item keeps changing, walk away.

If a cold area, like the dairy section, suddenly becomes hot, run away.

If an item slides forward after you take one out, and traps your hand, bop the item with your other hand and pull the trapped hand as hard as you can. The shelf will try and drag you in. Don't let it.

Do not crawl behind the items and onto the shelves, you will not like what you see.

If the tiles on the floor begin forming words, it's time to leave.

If you hear animal noises in the meat section, it's also time to leave.

If the store has placed directional arrows to follow, respect them. It's probably just a pandemic thing, but it could also be strategic placement to avoid summoning rituals.

If you have to use a key to get it to the bathroom, do NOT lose the key.

Don't be greedy with samples, or something else might take a sampling of you.

The clearance bin can be great. But it can also be a last-ditch effort to get rid of something from the store.

Happy shopping, stay safe, and remember what I said in the mall chapter about coupons!