How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules to Survive High-End Dining

So perhaps you're not a buffet kind of person, or you're having some sort of event that requires something a bit ritzier than a bakery or street food. Perhaps you have a nice date or a business dinner. Whatever the case, you find yourself headed to a high-end establishment.

Make a reservation ahead of time. Failure to do so, when accompanied by pushy in-person behavior, will agitate the multilingual host, the chef who uses unusual ingredients, and the manager with connections around town. In a multi-course meal, go from outside in terms of the utensils. Outside spoon, middle spoon, innermost spoon, etc. The quantity of utensils may be intimidating, but you should be able to recognize all of them as belonging there. There shouldn't be a fleam or mace or slingshot on the table, if there is it's time to leave. Don't rearrange the utensils. At best, you'll be confused. At worst, you'll find yourself rearranged. Fine dining establishments expect you dress for the occasion. Showing up slovenly will at best see you denied entry, at worst you'll be thrown out, to, um, elsewhere. You shouldn't be rushed out in a fine-dining situation. If it feels like you are being rushed like you're at a busy McDonald's, then it's your cue that you are being rushed out for a reason. Take the hint and leave-any establishment pushing you along at that cost is either not worth your time and money anyways or is hiding something they think you found. If you have a go-to drink to start the meal with, great. If you need to look at the cocktail and wine menu, 100% fine. Don't drink alcohol? Also cool. Just don't shout out some vulgar mixed drink you get for $6 at a college bar. It will not end well. Be upfront about your allergies/food intolerances, no matter how obscure. If you're with other people, arrange ahead of time to get the same number of courses. At best it's awkward, at worst you learn that your friend or in-law is a fae or fae-like entity and they are very offended at this breach of etiquette. The staff can make this a magical time, but wear in mind that magic can be both good and bad, kind and cruel. You don't want to agitate the chef. This doesn't mean don't say if something is wrong, but not to act like a snoot if you don't like the sample menu (which you knew you were signing up for) or fail to alert the staff to your preferences and needs. They want to help you. They want to make this a good experience. But you have to help them help you, failure to do so and then being a brat about it is obnoxious. Basically, if you sour the night, you might find yourself soured. If you complain about itty-bitty portion sizes, you might find yourself resized. You aren't expected to know everything about food and drink, that's what the staff are there for. Don't be that customer who asks what's good or what kind of wine pairs well and then argue about the recommendation. You don't have to order the suggestion. You're in charge of what you swallow, but beyond the possibility that you'll create a vortex that swallows you up, what are you accomplishing by arguing about it? Not all fancy restaurants make the same kind of food. Don't be demanding French food at a Japanese restaurant or Japanese food at an Italian restaurant and so forth. You may inspire rage in supranatural Beings you haven't even hear of, much less know how to solve the curses from. Don't bring your own seasonings. It's tacky and liable to very-specific taste-altering curses.