How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Surviving Tree Shopping (Christmas Special)

1. Shop early, but not too early. At least if you want a mundane tree. If you're too early, the tree isn't ready and may react poorly, and if you're too late, then there's a reason that the tree was still available. I can only hope, for your sake, that the reason is something like size or injury to the tree - not its ability to resize at will or cause injury to others.

2. If you can hear the trees talking, you don't want to buy a tree there. If you can hear trees talking everywhere you try, you've got much bigger problems than finding a pine.

3. I'm not saying it's not cost-effective to find a tree on the side of the road or with bulk trash night - I'm just saying that the people threw it out for a reason, and it might not have been an ugly pre-Christmas breakup. Or hey, it might have been a really ugly pre-Xmas breakup, and now the tree knows too much.

4. If two trees are entwined, they don't want to be separated. Get neither or both.

5. Pine trees are a little spiky, but you know they shouldn't be but so point. If it's too spiky, that tree doesn't want you.

6. You also probably know how a Real TreeTM is supposed to smell. If it smells like fire, this is a problem. If it smells like cookies, it's a very different kind of problem, but still a problem. If it smells like ash, I can't help you.

7. Make sure the tree is sturdy enough to hold all the ornaments, pictures, gifts, and/or candles that are going to be hanging off of it. Maybe even take your heaviest ornament tree shopping, so you can see if the tree can and will hold it for you.

8. Plenty of Beings celebrate too (and not just Christmas!) - you do not want to get in between the Wild Hunt and where they're going, and that might just involve a path through the tree farm.

9. Relatedly, places with lots of trees just tend to have a lot of mostly-human hang arounds. Be nice but don't follow anyone anywhere, especially if they aren't staff.

10. If the roots are weird, the tree may lead you down some weird routes.

11. Fake trees have their merits and problems too. If you have a new artificial tree you're safe from many dangers, for sure. Not all of them, but definitely safer than a hand-me-down. Hand-me-down trees have a magical tendency to open portals to previous owners, so if you want to see your folks in the '50s and '60s...

12. Trees should have shadows. If there should be a shadow and there isn't, that tree isn't for you.

13. It doesn't matter how big or small the tree is - what matters is that it brings you joy and isn't cursed.