How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Surviving Furniture Shopping

You're probably spending a lot of time in your house these days out of caution for your health. Whether that's physical health or metaphysical worries, is none of my business. Odds are that you are using your chairs, tables, and desks more than ever, and want to do so comfortably. And while you can technically order furniture online, that's like Some things ya just got to try-before-ya-buy, and for most people, furniture is pretty high on that list.

So onward you go to the IKEA, the antique shop, or the boho place in town. Furniture shopping can be intimating for a lot of reasons - price points, buzzwords, function, and pull-outs that try to pull you back in. I'm here to help you with those of the latter sort.

Yes, pull-out couches can eat you. It's kind of exactly as it says on the tin-no exciting twist here.

If you've seen the same bed, dresser, and end table set twice times, it's time to leave. Now. If you see it a third time in one day, the ritual is complete.

There may be random trinkets, strange objects, valuables, or even straight cash in drawers. Do not take it. Doing so will deeply offend whatever Being put it there.

It's important to sit or lie on a bed before you buy. I'm not discouraging that. Falling asleep, however, can mean you never wake up.

Every furniture store has one "pomegranate seeds" type of food that's out of place but enticing - if you're unlucky enough to eat it - whether for that store it's the meatballs, the rye bread, or goat cheese, then you're stuck there forever, wandering endless aisles of product.

The easiest way to spot a haunted dresser: the knobs to pull out the draws keep changing colors and shape. That's a bug, not a feature.

Many smaller or older furniture stores have a theme or motif, whether that's American-made wood or squirrels or ocean-themed. Be respectful while you're in there, no matter how absurd the theme is. The store might have a Guardian and they might feel very protective and it might end poorly.

Buying an old porch swing is basically inviting Others to your house (well, porch). They can get pretty annoying and invite friends to join them on the swing, I promise you won't enjoy breaking up the '60s teenage ghosts on your swing at 3 a.m. Swing-things aren't usually dangerous though, just annoying.

Old rocking chairs are also an attractive nuisance for supernatural nonsense, but usually way more dangerous varieties. If you make Others or Beings attached to your rocking chair mad, they might rock you until you're mad.

Lots of furniture stores sell sets or throw in extras like pillows when you purchase. Just make sure the pillows and nightstands are the only extras coming home with you, because a bundle deal is an excellent way for an unscrupulous manager to dump an unwelcome Being on you.

Breaking mirrors is generally considered unlucky. Breaking mirrors in a furniture store can set off a chain reaction and free something that was trapped inside for a reason, and whatever gets out will likely break more mirrors and continue the cycle.

Related: don't let anyone lead you to stand too close to the mirrors.

Old furniture stores occasionally, like old book stores, toy shops, and diners, blip in and out of existence. Unlike most other places that blip in and out, you might have a payment plan for whatever you purchase there. If you went home with furniture (or it shipped to you successfully) and you got a payment plan, pay it off even if the store disappears. This is a test, and what they collect if you try to cheat is much worse.