How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Going to the Mall

Ah, the mall. In the before-times, a crowded place of screaming toddlers and angsty teenagers. In the now-times, an uncanny valley of twisting, spread-out lines around the corner and out the door and judging strangers for not wearing their masks correctly. Either way, a bizarre place for mundane reasons, but totally mundane, right? Maybe you think, as a modern institution, malls are safe. Who's going to get you, a 1982 punk-rock ghost? The trapped reflection of a teenage girl wearing too many layers of tank-tops from Hollister, circa 2011? The echoes of strange '90s music videos, replaying forever?

Why yes, all that and more. And just like with Vintage Shopping, I've got a list that can keep you safe(ish)!

Mirrors are your friend. Why? Because it's really easy to tell if something is wrong. You can see that you're reflecting correctly and that nobody else has joined you. Hopefully.

If the temperature in the room doesn't match that of the walls and floor, be very suspicious.

Many malls are older than you think. Maybe 50 or 60 years old, not 10 or 20. That is absolutely enough time for mishaps to happens and for strange beings to be attracted. Don't get cocky because the building was built in the '70s - mall cops seem to take their jobs more seriously AFTER they die.

Ghost mall cops are ABSOLUTELY a thing. Luckily, they're usually pretty straightforward with what they want. Listen and then leave.

Other ghosts might be there too. Mostly shoppers who loved the place in life, and took up residence in death. That kind of ghost is usually pretty easy to please - they usually are just looking for directions. Usually.

The strange and sometimes vicious beings that are attracted to large groups of enclosed people who are relaxed are a much bigger concern. See #2 - "modern" building does not mean mundane.
6a. Some of these beings don't look human. They're obviously something off about them. If that's the case, you should obviously not interact.
6b. Some look like critters but act way too smart. If you're in what is functionally the celebration of human triumph over the great outdoors, don't you think the stray dog or determined pigeon inside is a bit out of place? It will feel like they should be there. You will want to pet the random puppy. The temptation to follow the moose will be absurdly strong. Do your best to override that desire-consider why there is a penguin here and if that ACTUALLY makes sense. Find a member of the mall staff. If it's a real lost critter, they can get it to safety. If it's something else, you don't want to be around.
6c. If it looks like a human, it'll look extremely out of place for your time/location context. Maybe it's a mundane 1980s impersonator, but why are his clothes so dirty? Sure, it could be someone dressing like the 2000s for funsies, but where is their mask? Don't follow anyone you don't know, even if they proclaim to have found the best sale. They want to take you, a complete rando, shopping? They want to give you a gift card to the best restaurant here? This is basic stranger-danger, but here you could find yourself with a completely different kind of deal or as the meal.

If the music suddenly all changes to a different genre, particularly that of the era the mall was built, run.

If a new escalator appears without fanfare, don't take it. You don't know where those stairs are really going, and mall promoters would be advertising the hell out of a legitimate new amenity.

If you lose someone to the music videos, let them go. You'd only be joining them.

Abandoned malls are abandoned for a reason. That reason might be financial, or it might be something much, much worse.

Read coupons in full before you clip them, or you might find yourself half off.

Don't leave clothes in a huge pile on the floor. Not only is it inconsiderate to the sales associates making $8 an hour, but the resident self-righteous 15-year old ghost might throw you in the pile. You might not get back up, and how many layers she dumps upon you depends heavily on the store.

The security tags that are attached to everything? If you try and remove the wrong one, you might break the seal on something else. I can't tell you what that something else is, but you'll be stuck with her.