How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Shopping at the Bakery

Now that I've regaled you with how to stay safe shopping, I think it's time that I start sharing some tips on surviving finding food. For my first list on how to stay safe at eateries, I'm thrilled to tell you how to survive the bakery - this excitement is probably because my shoddy-teenage--first-job in the early 2010s was as a Bakery Wench. I basically did everything but baking - sales, customer service, schmearing bagels, wrapping cookies- cashier is probably the nicer term.

Bakeries, just like the delights they sell, come in many shapes, sizes, and specialties. Some are old and some are new, some have specialties for dietary restrictions. Pretty much all of them have supernatural occurrences - it's just something about the nature of the beast. Maybe it's the combination of youth and heavy machinery. Maybe it's the inherent freakiness of some of the cakes. Maybe it's because many bakeries are in the older parts of town. Maybe it isn't one single thing, it's just how it is.

In any case, here's my invaluable insight on how to stay safe when you go to the bakery.

Sometimes cakes burst. Cakes cracking is actually fairly common, particularly among inexperienced bakers. It shouldn't be dramatic. If you are in a bakery, with experienced bakers, and your cake dramatically bursts and gets stuff everywhere, leave. Shower as soon as possible with the hottest water you can. Baked goods bake from the outside-in, not the other way around. If the outside is soft and the inside is hard and burnt, there is something deeply wrong. Don't try to bargain about the baked goods, especially the little ones. The 17-year old making $8 an hour under the table is not authorized to change the prices for you. It's petty to argue about a cupcake is $1.25 instead of $1 anyway, but you just might be unlucky and the demon-man-who-looks-27 might take you up on your bargain.
3a. Expensive cakes and wholesale orders you can try bargaining, that's fine. I'm talking about the way that arguing over a $1 donut will inspire rage in any nearby Chupacabras. Related: don't ask for a refund on a half-eaten baked good. Moldy/dry/gross? Yeah, get your $2.50 back. Sure. Probably not worth your time-federal minimum wage is $7.25/hour and you'll probably spend twenty minutes driving each way (or $4.83 plus gas)-but if it's the principle of the thing, go off I guess. If you buy an expensive-ass cake and it's wrong, yes, speak up. Get your refund. But if you bought a $5 Danish and ate 2/3rds of it over the course of three days and then claim it's "dry" I will not be held responsible for the reaction of the representatives of Hestia or if Andhrímnir takes it poorly. The walk-in freezer is a scary place for so many reasons. I can't think of a legit reason a customer would be back there. Don't go in one, it's a trap. No, the kosher bakery does not have a baking Golem. Even if we did, because a creature that is made of dried clay that follows instructions really well with surprising delicacy when the instructions are specific enough would be mad useful in a bakery having to adhere to dietary restrictions, we don't. Same goes for helpful Koloboks in Russian bakeries. Totally not there. And the Nordic bakery definitely doesn't have helper elves. These cryptids aren't there. Don't go looking. You won't like the version you find. The bread slicer is for staff only. Do you really want to join the other customers haunting it? Don't be greedy with the samples, or the bakery ghosts might sample you. "Is it fresh" is a dumb question.
9a. It's against the best financial interests of the college kid selling you the cookie to answers in the negative regardless of the truth, and more relevantly, they don't live there - it's statistically unlikely the 16-year-old selling you the cupcake was there when it came out of the oven. 
9b. You don't what to meet what does live there and never leaves. 
9c. In any case, "What is fresh" is a much more productive inquiry. A real bakery has bizarre hours - really early opening, really early closing. Don't go out of hours. You don't want to see what's there after hours.I actually don't have any gory rules about errant, nosy customers becoming part of the baked goods. I will, however, caution against seriously agitating the inhabitants of the bakery. Before picking a fight with a who-knows-what or particularly gritty manager, consider their access to a no-customers-allowed walk-in freezer, a variety of chopping things and the ability to clean them, and the overwhelming smell of innocent baked goods. Little old ladies buying you a donut is sweet. Little old blue ladies with funny speech patterns is a sign. Lots of children seem to derive great joy from placing their grubby little hands and faces on the display cases, as if the contained croissants are some sort of long-suffering creature in an aquarium touch tank. To the dismay of the people trying to keep the display clean, this is normal. Children slipping through the glass without shattering it, in part or in whole, is definitely not normal. As a matter of fact, it's your cue to leave.